July 30, 1999

I have so many thoughts floating through my mind. I have begun a period of introspection. My friend Randi, a psychotherapist, wrote to me after receiving my last update that she thought my “mood swings” were a result of needing to go inward. While I think they are a result of working too hard for too long, I also agree with Randi that there was a need for introspection. Coincidentally, and perhaps focused by Randi’s e-mail, just about that time I found myself looking inward. I asked myself, how much should I, or do I want to, push myself. Is this what I want? What do I want out of my Spain experience? My father reminded me that I was on holiday too. Am I? Sure, in a way, a working holiday.

I am concerned because my knees are hurting and because of this I am welcoming Concha’s vacation at the beach, at Isla Cristina. I want the pace to slow and to see a little of Spain and to go shopping. On the other hand, I will miss Concha and my lessons. There was one class this week, I think it was Monday, when Concha seemed in a bad mood. I had brought up the fact that I didn’t know if people in California could pay enough for her price to come and teach there. I had figured it out over the weekend and I asked her a second time how much she would want and I had been right. After class I felt disgruntled for the first time with the class and the interaction. Freddie felt it too. As we talked about it later I realized and said that maybe Concha was reacting to the fact that she was leaving and that before separating sometimes people find ways to get angry at each other to make the leaving easier. We were all realizing that Freddie and I wouldn’t realistically be able to get down to Isla Cristina for classes. Apartments there are scarce and expensive this time of year. Then, as I was telling Freddie these thoughts I realized that I too was feeling sad that Concha was leaving and probably those feelings and this impending separation were a large part of my own “disgruntlement”. Concha and I have a very intimate and intense relationship. We have been working together five and sometimes six days a week since her return in June and of course the six classes before she left in May. It seems like longer than just two months. I have learned and polished a beautiful ten minute Siguiriyas and now have a week of an exciting fiesta style buleras. I am still honing the Siguiriyas both with Concha’s cleaning up my footwork and accents and with my critical monitoring of my class videos. I have been watching them and trying to correct all the styling flaws I can find. I am not done yet (will I ever be?) but I am making progress. It is fun. But I didn’t want Concha to go. I wanted more lessons. I haven’t finished the buleras yet and didn’t want to go for a whole month without class, especially with this show at the Carboneria she has been gearing me up for. But I accepted my disappointment and sadness after acknowledging it in words to Freddie.

Tuesday, the next day, Concha came to class with a solution to our “separation anxiety”. She will come back (two hours each way by bus) from the beach every week end to teach me. I will take two classes on Saturday and two classes on Sunday and then she will return to the beach. This way she will also get to see Rafael more, as he still has to work most of the month. It works perfectly for both of us. Freddie and I can travel during the week and return to check e-mail and to take class on the weekends. I will have to find a way to practice but I am sure I will come up with some way to learn the material.

To back track with some explanation, I will first start with Concha and Isla Cristina. The day Luis was supposed to get insurance for Paco’s car he suddenly left for his house in Rota and spent some time in the mountains and then back in Rota trying to register his furgoneta. So, the possibility of using Paco’s car once again seemed far away. Then Concha invited us to go to Huelva with her where she had planned to take her family camping for the month of August. The original plan called for Jose Luis to drive one car and for Maribel to drive the other and for Paco, Nacha and Concha’s husband Rafael to come. But Jose Luis couldn’t do it and Nacha had a cold so Concha, Paco, Freddie and I rode the hour and a half to Isla Cristina in the province of Huelva with Maribel, in her car. Maribel had just been spending time there the week before because her family owns an apartment there. So she knew the way.

We went to the camp ground, a large, manicured, camping resort a two minute walk from the beach. It surprised Freddie and me to discover during the course of the day that this resort was owned by Paco’s close friend Saturnino, whom we had met a number of times in Sevilla, including at Concha’s party. That’s why Paco went with us. Concha had thought that Freddie and I would look for a cheap apartment there. But it turned out that there were no camping sites available for August for her so Concha had to find an apartment for herself.

But first we all went to the beach and Freddie and I swam again in the Atlantic ocean and then picked up shells. Paco and Saturnino walked along the sand, their pants rolled up to keep out of the salty sea water. Maribel went to look for her cousin on the beach and later walked along the edge of the water talking and picking up shells with us. Then we sat at a round table at a little drink stand on the beach which we figured out was also owned by Saturnino and his wife Lourdes. Lourdes sat with us and we got to know her a little. The campground is only five years old and was built on a rather desolate piece of land separated by a road and a small dun from the beach. Saturnino and Lourdes have planted oleanders and grass and a variety of flowers around the office and the two cafeterias which they also built. Now their business is thriving.

After our drinks and conversation we came back from the beach and changed our clothes in the office where Saturnino, Lourdes, and their son live. Then Maribel took us first to a rental agency and then to her grandmother’s apartment so Concha could get an idea of what she could get. Paco stayed and visited with Saturnino and Lourdes. Freddie and I hopped out of the car on a whim in the little town of Isla Cristina and bought a blue and white painted tile soap dish for the bathroom sink at the Carboneria. From the town of Isla Cristina we all returned to the “camping” and ate for the second time in the cafeteria there. Then, all of us hot and tired and relaxed, piled into Maribel’s car again. Maribel drove us the long hour and a half home to Sevilla.

Concha did not learn until the next day that she indeed did get the apartment she wanted. She will share the high expense with her sister Pepa, who will be staying with her. Freddie and I are so happy that we don’t have to go there for my lessons because we probably wouldn’t have made it and it would have been a real and boring and time consuming schlep by bus if we had made it. And then we would have had the expense of renting an apartment, renting the Pea both for lessons and practice, and we wouldn’t have had the time to explore a few places here that we want to visit. So Concha’s solution was a wonderful gift to me, really to us. I now look forward to the learning I will do in August, our last full month here. And so this week we are making progress with a beautiful, rhythmical buleras. It’s got umph. But I have to work hard at it, harder than I had thought. It was discouraging, especially Monday when I was upset about the idea of Concha leaving. In fact, I can’t remember exactly when, I felt very discouraged about my being able to dance. I wondered if I were really too old to do this. I thought about giving it up but knew that I loved Flamenco too much to really give it up. And that’s why I dance. Then I started to make progress again and I got happy with my dance. Sometimes I have breakthroughs and I am getting increasingly happier with how I am doing in my videos. I love watching them and seeing what I need to correct and then getting to check the next day to see if I have corrected the problem. When I haven’t I will know soon and so have the opportunity to fix it again before I take in another bad habit. I love this tool and am glad that I am finally using it to the best of my ability. It’s kind of like painting a painting and changing the parts that I don’t like to what I do like. I am much more concerned with my upper body and arms than Concha is. She is focused more on my footwork and the accuracy and the accents. She says my upper body and arms are fine, but I know they can be better. We are both paying attention to how the Siguiriyas looks done toward the public, away from the mirrors. I usually do the Siguiriyas once at the end of our buleras class and then she tells me what to work on. Sometimes someone will come up while I am dancing it and I will look up, lose my concentration and make a mistake. It always amazes me because I know the dance. But obviously I don’t know it as well as I need to. By the end of class my thighs still ache. I am trying to stretch out more both before and after dancing and it is helping a lot. Although it helps me a lot, I often forget to think about warming up when I dance up here in our room to Freddie’s practicing, working on steps, body, and arms in our cloudy armoire mirror. It here where I often think I have made breakthroughs. I am starting to ask myself what am I saying with this move, with these arms, hand, footwork, step, head. It’s an interesting stage and I have just entered it in a new way. I am looking at each move in each dance, but especially in the Siguiriyas. I have discovered new ways to bring my arms down using information giving to me years ago. I have put intention into many of my steps. I am just at the beginning, trying to make this an automatic part of my dance. I have finally entered the place where I can think about these things. I just had to spend the time, watching and studying and then wondering and going inward to project outward. So maybe this is the way I will deal with introspection, put it into my dance. It is time for my dance to go inward for its substance. I am discovering simple things that I knew all along but had forgotten to do. A door is opening but I am not sure to what.

I have finally met Salao, the famous costume maker of the Flamenco stars. He is a lovely man with a very small, long haired white dog name Panchito. He is making my wedding dress out of a white satiny crepe covered with white lace. It will have organdy ruffles and a small train and will be beautiful. I will also have a black Siguiriyas dress made which Concha now wants me to wear in our show. I will have my third fitting Monday morning before we go to Granada if we really go.

That is our plan, but we are both having breakthroughs right now. Freddie’s playing just took a big leap. Ever since I was able to tape Carlos’ hands for Freddie he has learned his lessons much faster than before. This incredible tool is as useful for Freddie’s guitar as it is for my dance. He can evaluate himself too as he hears his guitar or listens to how he learns from Carlos. And now that his nails are even shorter, he has learned many of Carlos’ techniques so his playing is clear and crisp and full of arpeggios. It is heavenly. He has emerged from the chaos and the despair of never getting to realize that he is getting it and that he is now playing well. And he has also learned some extremely beautiful new falsetas and some new modern stuff as well.

July 31, 1999

Last Wednesday, the day Luis finally returned, he, Freddie, and I took a taxi to the shop of Sevilla’s top guitar maker, Francisco Barba. Freddie’s guitar was finally ready. Shortly after arriving here Freddie’s guitar had dropped on the tile floor and broken where it had been recently repaired after being badly damaged at Sweet’s Mill last summer. Barba expertly repaired the break and then French polished the entire guitar. The old banged up, well used look is past. The sound is still beautiful and now the guitar looks cared for and valued. It has taken its “category”, as Concha would say. Freddie’s playing has started to greatly improve every day. He is on a roll. He is mastering the difficult but beautiful scales that Carlos has given him to strengthen specific techniques and now his playing is clean and agile. Finally Freddie is learning more music, more falsetas, from Carlos which he now has the ability, because of this technique, to play. He is learning quickly, like a hungry sponge. He has also learned how to learn well from Carlos and this too has speeded his progress. And so have all the fifty years he has been playing Flamenco made this rate of progress possible. And I am now feeling better about my dancing too. Last week I was so discouraged that I seriously wondered if I were too old to do this. But when I thought about not dancing I couldn’t imagine it. I knew that I loved Flamenco and that I would always dance to the music I loved. I dance because I dance. But I am also buying costumes. This evening Rafael told me that he wanted to sing at my performance in September. Luis has mentioned it too. Everyone seems to be excited by it and that amazes me. Today, after my last class until next Saturday, I mentioned to Luis that I would take a short break from dancing because my knees were hurting and Concha is on vacation. He said, “Well you dance three or four hours a day…” and I thought, “not that much”. But when I thought about it I realized that he was actually right! I dance for an hour to an hour and a half in the morning and then, until now, took my class with Concha for an hour. Then at seven or eight I practice for another hour or two on the stage. And sometimes later at night I practice in the room, dancing to Freddie’s practicing, working on everything but footwork or anything that would disturb Paco who sleeps below us. I had never added up the hours but now I see that the minimum is three hours a day. Sometimes I never took a break even on the weekends. But now I have to, before I damage my body. I don’t want to but I also know that other times I have taken a short break from practicing I have emerged better than when I stopped. This always surprises me although it has happened on a regular basis and I know its true.

The last week or two have seemed to be filled with strong emotions, perhaps a crying to look inward. My three pairs shoes from Menkes came, the ones I had made from a drawing of my feet, with two fittings. None of the shoes fit. They were too big. I burst into tears after I tried to dance in each pair. I couldn’t. Freddie held me and comforted me. The next day I showed Concha and she called Menkes and told them I was taking them back and I wanted new ones. These were already too big and would stretch even more and be like “boats” as they broke in. She told them I was leaving on September 5 so they would get them to me in time. They told me they would be ready September 4. They do cut it close. I made them reverse the charges of the final payment I had made for the shoes the day before. I had just been to Menke’s that morning to take in my skirt, the skirt I planned to wear for the performance before I met Salao and commissioned my black dress. The fishing line that is put in the ruffles to make them stick out has broken and is coming out. This is the second time it has happened with this skirt. Possibly they did not fix it right the first time. It might not be anything I am doing. It was supposed to be back today but they didn’t call me. I will have to call on Monday morning before I go back to Salao’s for another fitting at eleven. Hopefully it will be there. The seamstress is going on vacation in August.

We’re planning on going to Granada on Monday as well but we still have to check a train schedule and call friends there. A young guitarist from New Mexico whom we met in Sevilla, Josh, is thinking of meeting us there. He is currently in Mlaga and has been in Almeira hanging out with some wonderful Flamenco people there. An excellent guitarist, Tomatito’s cousin, has taken him under his wing and he is in the middle of everything. We will visit there during the Festival that will happen in August. So Monday will be quite a filled day and I don’t know yet if we’ll really get away. Freddie wants to go but is also having trouble pulling himself away from his lessons with Carlos right now. We keep thinking of our time left here in Spain, a month and a half.

But to return to the way I have been feeling … The intense self questioning, despair, tears, and extreme sensitivity have given birth to something new, a kind of happiness and acceptance. And I feel a growing excitement, a buzzing in my body. And I feel happiness. As Freddie and I were downstairs in the small room listening to Luis and Carlos tonight for the second time, I felt so happy to just be there. Luis sang beautifully and Carlos accompanied him especially well tonight. He was exquisite. And as I sat on the narrow wooden bench leaning against Freddie, half in his arms, right in front of the small stage where Luis and Carlos were performing, the awareness of my happiness surged around me and I felt so much gratitude for it. I am treasuring each moment. And I want to put all that into my dance too.

Today Paco took us to the Ibarra palace. We had told Paco that my brother-in-law, Ken, after visiting us here, wanted to buy a high end building in Sevilla. Ken had fallen in love with Sevilla on this visit. So today Paco arranged a meeting for us with Andrs Burzaco Malo who speaks Spanish and also perfect English.

Andrs is currently living in an incredible house/palace on Santa Maria La Blanca just up from Fernando III, past the bank, before the church and the bookstore. It has been owned by the Ibarra family (one of the most old, rich, and prestigious families of Sevilla) for over two hundred years. The eight Ibarra brothers just inherited it from their parents and want to sell it because all eight families can’t live there at one time. It has original hand painted tile from the 16th and 18th centuries, old Moorish work like the Alcazar, incredible doors and roofs, stained glass, you name it, etc. It is like a very tasty museum.

The law will not let you tear out any of the old tile, which is good, because it is exquisite and irreplaceable. The house is in good shape and huge, with three stories and a garage, a small chapel, a central courtyard with a tiled fountain and an outdoor patio with orange trees, night blooming jasmine, etc.. Andrs has some professional photos scanned into his computer and he will e-mail those to Elaine and Ken. Freddie also took photos today with the digital camera and I have already loaded them into the computer. Of course the price is high, but what this house contains cannot even be duplicated. The house was used by the Junta of Andalucia for two years and they put in air conditioning, heat (other than the fireplaces) and more bathrooms. It was also an embassy for a while. Andrs, (from Mexico) is a friend of the Ibarra family and has lived in the house for a year. He is acting as the broker and is in the process of putting together an import/export business which includes trying to export the wonderful Spanish Jamon Serrano (Pata Negra, the best quality). I would love to buy it but I of course I don’t have that kind of money. It would be an incredible place to live in Sevilla, cool in the summer, warm in the winter, and exquisitely beautiful and very big. It is breath takingly beautiful and rivals the Alcazar (minus the gardens) and puts the Hotel Casa Juderia to shame. Two parts, on either side, have been sold (in the past) and turned into high end apartments. This part of the house cannot be further divided and shouldn’t be because it is so spectacular. Unfortunately, when I later received an e-mail answer from Ken, I learned that this is not the kind of place he can use. He needs an income producing place, not a palace. I guess I am the one who needs a palace in Sevilla but on the other hand, I am also content with our attic room at the Carboneria. I have been working on spending less money here as I worry a little about our finances. But Friday after my class I took myself shopping, while Freddie was practicing, in quest of some new shoes like Concha’s. She came to class the other day with some incredible black Italian sandals, a band over the big toe and a band over the arch. Square crystal jewels lined the top of each band. She gave me directions to the store which is in an actual shopping mall called Los Arcos, where the shoes were on sale. I found the store and they had one pair, in a blue purple, left in my size so I bought them although I had wanted the black. But the purple too are very beautiful and go with a lot of my clothes. Then I wandered around the shops and bought a French velvet wrap around mini skirt and a black tee shirt and a thin black long sleeved, v-necked shirt, all on sale and very cheap, all but one under a mil pesetas (which is under about seven or six dollars, depending on the exchange rate). I have been wearing the skirt and black tee shirt ever since and they look elegant and sexy together. When I put the new silver wedge heeled Italian sparkly sandals with this outfit I feel great. The jewels are blue purple, clear silver, and a faint gold. I re-painted my toe nails and when I look down at my feet I see beautiful sparkles. I love my new shoes and clothes more and more every day. I was getting so sick of the clothes I brought with me to Spain and now I have some “Spanish” clothes, or should I more accurately say, European.

August 1, 1999, Sunday

When I made my shamanic journey today, as I climbed up the Giralda to the upper world, Anzonini was waiting for me. Anzonini has been meeting me here since I’ve been in Spain and have been using the Giralda to enter the upper world when I journey. This time Anzonini was with another man, thin and wiry, whom I was told was a “medico”. As my intention for this journey I had asked for help with my knees and this medico had come to help me. He told me that he was a wizard, a magician/doctor in the 16th century and the date 1598 came up. I am not sure if that was when he was born or when he died. I noticed then that he wore a tall pointed hat. He suggested that I use the essential oil that I brought for jet lag and that I had been directed to use earlier on Paco’s legs, rosewood. I don’t know a lot about rosewood, but when I finished the journey I immediately found where I had stored and forgotten about it, and I quickly put some on my knees and felt a soothing and burning sensation and the knees felt better. Hours later, after we had walked to the Alta Mira and then back to the Carboneria to find it all locked up, my knees began to hurt again. Luis, Freddie and I started to walk to a store that sold fried chicken but my knees were hurting so I went back and sat on a stone bench in the square by the Carboneria and waited for the workers to get there with a key. The Carboneria opens at eight and it was already seven thirty so I figured that someone would arrive shortly to set up. Soon Freddie and Luis returned because the fried chicken store was closed and we sat and waited until Jose Luis, the door man, arrived at eight with the key. Two other workers waited with us because not everyone has a key. I practiced a step sitting down to Freddie’s palmas and that didn’t hurt my knees. When we finally got in I again put rosewood oil on my knees and they immediately felt better. I am assuming also that they are hurting more because I am not sleeping enough. I have been getting five and a half to six and a half hours of sleep and functioning, even without coffee. But I am now out of my power meal which I feel helps to sustain me and I am waiting for more to arrive soon. I think my knees also hurt because I am dancing so much harder and there is concrete under the flimsy and breaking stage. Concha wants loud and very strong accents in my steps and my foot work sounds a lot better now but I don’t know if my knees can take it! It is frustrating not to dance. Today I watched the video of my buleras and I wanted to get up and practice it but I am holding myself back because I don’t want to injure myself. I walked through it twice though.

Luis said that he is ready to practice singing to my Siguiriyas now. I want to be dancing! He is preparing himself to go to California and his sister in San Diego is helping to set up some contracts for him. He wants Paco Lira to come too. Paco really wants to see Chris Carnes and we have been trying to find the phone number of where he is now staying with his brother so Paco can talk to him. It would be great to have Paco has a guest at our home. And so August, our last full month here, begins.

Flamenco Romantico
Marianna Gabriel & Federico Mejia
http://www.flamencoromantico.com/
c/o La Carboneria
c/ Levies, 18
41004, Sevilla, Spain
(34) 616-005-837