Chapter 1. June 4 – July 26, 2011

June 4, 2009 – Monday

This year we arrived in Sevilla in the late afternoon on Monday June 1, after flying from Istanbul to Madrid and waiting in the Madrid airport for five hours. 

The high point of the Madrid airport was visiting with our friend Stephanie who recently moved to Madrid. We had a half an hour visit at MacDonalds(!), which is a central café in the Madrid airport. Then the wheelchair attendant said we had to go. We rushed through security and were taken to the gate. There we waited. Of course the plane was over an hour late. We could have visited with Stephanie for several more hours and still had plenty of time. Oh well. 

When we finally arrived in Sevilla, we easily directed the taxi driver to our hard-to-find apartment. It was evening but the weather was hot – Sevilla in June.

Almost immediately Freddie and I pulled out the many things we had stored under the stairs in Angel-our-landlord’s entryway last year, and we began setting up our Spanish household for this year. 

I finally found the wonderful cordless, speakerphone we had bought last year and I went to plug it into the phone jack. But the phone jack had been cut! So we were without a land phone and thus had no free way to call our friends here with land phones. Luckily we had both our Spanish cell phones.

Freddie set up his tricycle and has been riding it every day. Today I rented a Sevici bike and rode with him.

That first evening Chris and Lakshmi came by to visit. We talked to Juan on the phone. Of course we were exhausted, so we went to bed early. Chris invited us over to dinner at his house the next evening, Tuesday.

The two suitcases we had sent from California over a month ago, with all the things we would need for our stay in Spain, had not arrived. One suitcase was still in transit and the other was “hung up” in customs. 

Because I had declared a high value on the contents, the Spanish customs wanted to charge me tax! The next day I was able to call them from Angel our landlord’s phone. I finally found out that if I sent them an email explaining that I would take everything we brought back to the US with us, and that I declared the expense because of our medically necessary supplements, my flamenco dance shoes, my three computer hard drives and other personal things, then maybe they would change their minds.  

The suitcase had been in customs since May 22, but it took my calling the shipping company and asking them what exactly I could do to release our things, to get a plan of action. I had to call several times and to lean on them to get movement. I even asked if I could go to customs and take out the medicines I needed. The shipping company told me strongly that that was not an option!

The morning after I had sent the email, I sent a follow-up email to the company asking them what the customs people had decided and again telling them that we needed the contents ASAP. This was then forwarded to the customs department. Later in the afternoon I received a nice email from the customs department telling me that the suitcase was cleared and that I would receive it on Monday! That was Thursday.

Tuesday morning we went to Bar Albageño, our breakfast bar from last year. We were very warmly welcomed and Manolo, the oldest son, brought us each little presents. Juan stopped by and visited with us there. The weather had cooled considerably and I had to wear jeans.

Later that morning Lucy stopped by the house to say hello. We called Paco and Pilar to say hello and they said that they would visit the next evening, as we were going to Chris’ that evening.

Chris had seen Carlos Heredia, Freddie’s former guitar teacher and our friend, when he played guitar for Concha’s class that day. He had given Carlos our number. Before we left last year, we had called Carlos to say goodbye and his phone number didn’t work. No one we talked to had a new number for Carlos. So Chris seeing Carlos was perfect. Carlos would be able to call us.

That night Chris prepared a wonderful dinner using Juan’s recipes. Juan had insisted. He and Lucy arrived a little later. 

At one point Juan, Chris, Freddie, and I were in Chris’s room. Juan was playing Chris’ guitar and the large, iron-barred window was open. Passersby could look in and we could look out at the street. A young man on the street was very interested. Juan started talking to him and found out that he could sing. So Juan asked him to sing and the young man sang a very moving Fandango to Juan’s accompaniment. 

Then Juan asked me to sing. I hadn’t practiced all month; in fact I hadn’t even thought about cante (singing) while we were in Greece. I went blank, trying to remember words in my mind.

But I sang an Alegrías, although I forgot a little of an ending. But I sang it well, amazingly. I just opened my mouth and the words came out.

I had thought about running to get the camera when the man was singing Fandangos, but I didn’t want to miss the moment or ruin the mood. The image, though, is preserved in my mind, the man singing Fandangos and Juan playing for him on the other side of the barred window. Flamenco blossomed and flowered that night.

Wednesday was spent following up more with customs, shopping for food, buying more printer ink, getting new watch batteries, and organizing the house. Carlos called us and we arranged to see him the next day. That evening Chris and Miguel Angel visited. Chris was still there when Paco, Pilar and Soleá arrived. 

Our visit with Paco, Pilar and Soleá was fun and they invited us to dinner at their house on Sunday afternoon. By the time everyone left we were exhausted and we went to bed early again.

Thursday Freddie and I took singing classes with Juan. It was fun. Juan said that I had improved. Freddie enjoyed his class a lot. It will also help him re-learn Spanish.

Wednesday and Thursday we had planned to go to Concha’s 5:00 o’clock class to say hello but we were too tired. I couldn’t actually “take” the class because I didn’t have my Flamenco shoes! They are in one of the suitcases I had sent and have not yet received.

My friend Rina from Atlanta emailed me and said that she was in Sevilla and that Concha had a 7:00 PM compás class. We didn’t make that one either.

I was surprised that we were so tired, considering that we had just come from Greece (via Istanbul) and not all the way from California. An hour’s time difference shouldn’t cause jet lag. But perhaps we were exhausted from our vacation and the lack of sleep on the day we traveled to Spain.

Friday I took a dance and cante class with Juan. Afterwards, I was so tired that I had to rest for a while. An hour later I took a dance class with Lakshmi, working on style. I did both classes wearing too-big white terrycloth slippers that were given to us by the hotels in Greece. It was very “Gypsy”. Chris and Freddie played for the class.

We had planned on going to Concha’s 5:00 PM class, but again, we were tired so we took a short nap. However, we did manage to get to her 7:00 PM class. Freddie rode his bike and I rented a Sevici bike and rode with him.

Instead of compás, most of the class was singing. In the morning I had said to Juan that I wanted to learn to sing a Siguiriyas sometime. He started me on Siguiriyas immediately. Then in Concha’s class she had us singing Siguiriyas! It was the letra (verse) that she used to sing when I was learning Siguiriyas dance from her in 1999. I loved it then and I love it now. I felt very energized in that class. 

Concha made Freddie take the class and had him sit right next to her. She said it would be good for his speech. He loved it too.

Part of the motivation to get to Concha’s class was Freddie’s birthday. We want to have a fiesta for Freddie’s 70th birthday (and our ninth anniversary). We are able to have it at Chris’ house, but Freddie really wants to have it at the restaurant in Plaza Pelicano where we celebrated it two years ago because it has more room and we have a lot of friends. 

Juan had wanted to hire some artists to entertain, but Freddie said no to that. If we hire some artists, there are many other artists among our friends who would be insulted that we didn’t hire them. 

Lakshmi had suggested having the party outside at Bar Manué, because they hire musicians to play there anyway, so we would have entertainment. But the weather here has been rainy for the past few days. I have worn jeans every day since we have been here, which is unusual for Seville in June!

But Freddie wants Bar Pelicano. We talked to them and got a menu to choose from. They want to know how many people there will be. Of course we have no idea. We will talk to them again on Monday and find out the price.

Monday Stephanie is coming to visit from Madrid for two weeks. We look forward to seeing her. I will have a class with Juan that afternoon, so I will miss Concha’s 5:00 PM class again. But I may have to be home to receive the suitcases, if they or one of them actually comes.

I have another class with Lakshmi tomorrow, because Sunday from noon on we will be with Paco and Pilar and Pilar’s parents.

As I write this I can see why I am tired. I took three classes today and videotaped two of them. And I audio-taped Concha’s class with our little digital recorder. 

I have also been editing some of my Greece writing so I could send it out. And I have been looking at our photos of Greece that I have put into the computer. I want to put some of them on our website. 

Freddie is fast asleep and I should be too. 

Saturday

The big suitcase arrived unexpectedly just as we were leaving for breakfast. It had some of our medications and supplements in it but not my dance shoes. And it is raining again. 

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July 2, 2009 Thursday

The desk isn’t comfortable so I don’t feel like writing. My feet don’t reach the floor and the chair seat has gotten lumpy. My laptop rests upon a stiff, rectangular cardboard HP printer box that someone was putting into the paper recycling. 

It has been very hot here in Sevilla, well over 100 degrees. We have been staying inside a lot and having classes here in the house.

Things are going well, but Freddie has started drinking again, after almost twelve years of sobriety. His logic is that he stopped drinking because it had a negative effect on his guitar playing. I had taped him playing when he only had had one drink and when he heard that, he quit drinking. He had been wanting to quit for a while but couldn’t quite persuade himself before he heard that tape.

Now he feels as though he can’t play, and if he can’t play, why then there is nothing to keep him from drinking. Tonight has been his most alcoholic night so far.

It first started last year in Spain, when we were at the beach. A restaurant brought him a chupita (an alcoholic after-dinner drink) after breakfast. He drank it and remembered the word. After that he drank chupitas after his meals at the beach. 

After that he occasionally had a beer, but seemed somewhat controlled. He said he would stop when we returned home. 

Of course he didn’t. But he only had an occasional beer. Then we went to a wedding in Mexico. There, Freddie met another Tequila (his former favorite drink) drinker who urged him on with Tequilas. For a while at the wedding Freddie couldn’t walk. I told him that he was drunk and that was why. He stopped drinking that night and drank coffee and after a few hours he could walk again. He continued to “moderately” drink Tequilas and other drinks until we left Mexico. 

Again he slowed down to occasional beer and home. Then we came to Sevilla. Gradually he has started to drink. In Vejer, our friend Josh, who himself is a heavy drinker, was figuring out ways to keep Freddie from drinking more. Since Freddie’s stroke, he has much less impulse control than before. His buying of drinks and drinking them, has an alcoholic frenzy about it. 

When Tom Payne died a few days ago, Freddie’s long time friend from Renaissance Faire days, Freddie went out with Chris and had a drinking binge. Chris tried to temper him, but Freddie in drinking mode cannot be tempered. Tom Payne was an alcoholic too, and now he is dead.

Tonight Freddie and I went out for a beer with Lucy and Catherine, a very longtime friend of Lucy’s, who is staying above us at Angel’s house. Lucy and Freddie had a beer. Catherine drank orange juice and I had a Tinto de Verano, wine mixed with sweet Casera soda water. Freddie kept ordering beers long before the last one was done. He had four beers by the time we were ready to go. 

When we got up to leave, Freddie said that he would stay there. We left him there with his tricycle, on the Alameda, sitting at the table at 11:30 at night. I wonder how many beers he has had by now. 

Last night he fell down in the bathroom and bumped his head on the shower. Neither I, nor Stephanie, who is staying in our computer room, heard Freddie fall. When I woke up this morning, Freddie showed me his head, which was still bleeding. He held up a white towel with a large, wet bloody spot on it where he had held it to his head. 

Stephanie and I both felt that Freddie may have had a too-high balance of Coumadin thinning his blood, which may have made him continue to bleed and maybe even contributed to his fall. He said that his leg just gave out. 

Last night I had asked Freddie to test his blood but he hadn’t done it. His level had been on the high side of normal last time we tested. I wanted him to test it today also, but he never got around to it. Because he was still bleeding when our cante class with Juan was beginning, I gave him two multi-vitamins with vitamin K in them. He had stopped taking them in Greece when his Coumadin level was too low. Shortly after I gave him the tablets, his bleeding stopped, so I do think that his blood had gotten too thin. At least I know quick ways to control that.

Stephanie worked in a veterinary hospital for many years and she knows a lot about medicine from that. She cleaned Freddie’s wound and cut the hair around it and put hydrogen peroxide and antiseptic cream on it for me. I was glad to have the help.

Stephanie is also cooking, shopping and cleaning for us while she is here. It is wonderful. 

But Freddie’s drinking is worrying me. It is 1:30 Am and he is still not home. His medical identification bracelet broke. I suggested that he keep it in his wallet but he doesn’t even know where it is. I have been him paper with his information for him to carry around, but again, he doesn’t take it. He doesn’t even have his phone, only his tricycle and his house keys. 

There is nothing I can do now but concentrate on my own life. If Freddie wants to kill himself, I can’t stop him. I was hoping that he would want to stay alive to hang out with me, but that is no longer the case. I have had a loving twelve years with him and am grateful for that. 

I have already told him, although he probably won’t remember, that I will not take care of him if he doesn’t care for himself, if he does harmful things like drinking. 

Of course I still get his medications for him. He may have been upset too, because he wanted to move to the beach for a month. We had arranged that I would come down every week, but that he would stay there alone. I told him that he could have to show me he could remember to take his medicine and to help me bag it up. 

After his fall, I told him today that I couldn’t leave him alone. If he had fallen and no one had been there, he could be dead, dying, or laying in pain for days waiting to be rescued.  He said, “Oh I won’t fall again”. 

As I write, I think that may have been what had affected his drinking tonight. He is disappointed and probably realizing his own lack of independence still. He has much more independence than before, but he can’t manage his own life yet. I don’t think he could move down to the beach without my arranging it. And now I won’t. He may be mad at me. 

Well I am going to bed. Stephanie is out with Ricky, a friend from California who plays guitar and is living here. And Freddie is out too. 

It is almost 2:00 AM and Freddie is not home yet. I called Stephanie, who is still out, to see if she would check the Alameda for Freddie on her way home, but her phone didn’t answer. It is too late to borrow Catherine’s house keys and Stephanie has mine. If I couldn’t find him, I would have no way of getting into the house again. So I can’t go rescue Freddie if he needs rescuing. I really do expect him to walk in perfectly happy, but I worry all the same. 

Freddie came home at 2:05 AM, just as I was going to bed. I asked him what he did and he said nothing. 

July 3, 2009

Today the heat is melting me. I put a footstool under my desk but it is way too high to use. 

Not everything here is bad; just Freddie’s increasing drinking. It is 1:00 PM and he is still asleep.

I have been taking private classes with Lakshmi almost every day and I have had both private and group classes with Juan almost as frequently. 

We had a wonderful time at the beach in Vejer with Josh and Regina. Freddie had decided the he wanted to move to the beach El Pal Mar, which is the beach closest to Vejer. We went to the beach one other time with Lakshmi and a friend of hers. That was a more local beach, Mataslacañas. The water was very rough and although we went in, it was too rough to swim. 

One night Miguel Funi and Juan del Gastor performed together at la Cartuja in Sevilla. Juan played beautifully and Miguel’s was full of emotion. Juan’s brother Paco played too, with his two talented grandchildren. In the second half of the concert Miguel Poveda sang. He is very popular but I found his voice grating, irritating and without feeling.

We have been cooking at home instead of breakfasting at El Albageño like we did last year. 

I stopped going to Concha’s class because I felt too overloaded. I think this heat is affecting all of us. I just tried some special Ginseng for energy and it gave me a headache.

July 5, 2009

We saw Paco Lira last night. He was very happy to see us and even invited us to live upstairs again. He has gained weight and his legs don’t look good, but he can walk. He has a beautiful collection of canes. He is losing his short term memory but not his long term memory.

Sergio too has gained weight (but not as much as Paco) and looks more like his father used to look. 

The people working at La Carboneria have all changed and I didn’t know any of them. It is no longer smoke filled and I like that. 

La Carboneria is a different place than it used to be.

After we visited with Paco upstairs, we came downstairs again to visit with Paco, Pilar and Soleá and Carlos and his friend from New York, Roberto Reyes. Freddie started drinking Tequila. Paco & Pilar got him to go after 2 drinks (unless he downed a 3rd quickly at the bar, I’m not sure). But his personality changed to “drunk” although he was not falling or anything.  Then he had a beer where we went out for tapas in Triana by the Guadalquivir River. 

This morning we had a good talk. Freddie doesn’t want to keep drinking. He was mad at me the night of the binge. I hadn’t realized that.

He was angry with me because I got mad at him for emptying two drawers (so Stephanie could have room to put her things) without telling me first. One drawer had been for things that stay in Spain and the other for things that go back with us + extra eyeglasses, etc. I had to re-sort everything. Then I grumped to Stephanie about his doing that without telling me first. He didn’t like that. It was very hot and we were all grumpy and suffering that day. 

At least Freddie and I talked about it and resolved it. Stephanie has been visiting a friend for two days. Sometimes we need this space. 

Yesterday Stephanie spent the day with a Spanish singer, a woman she had met in Madrid but who lives in Sevilla. Last night they went to the beach. She will be back here either tonight or Monday morning. This has actually given Freddie and me some needed space to sort things out. 

July 26, 2009 Saturday

I stayed home after my wonderful lesson with Juan. Freddie and Stephanie just left a little while ago to see another night of the Velá de Triana (Flamenco or Spanish singing performances, drinking, and eating out at all the lit up food booths and cafes. Teresa went walking earlier, and got delightfully lost in Barrio Santa Cruz. She plans to meet Freddie and Stephanie in Triana. 

I had a class with Juan tonight – a really good one. Juan made Freddie do palmas with us. The class was mainly palmas, and where in the singing to put the counter rhythm patterns. At the end of class he had me sing Soleá. Then he asked Stephanie sing. She had just come downstairs from her temporary room in Angel’s upstairs part of the house. 

After that Juan doctored up some beans that Stephanie had started cooking. They had run out of water but we had taken them off the heat just in time. So we all had to try the beans. 

After that, Freddie and Stephanie escaped and I am now finally sitting at the computer. 

I am alone and am caught between wanting to write and wanting to look at today’s dance class. Writing won for now.

I have a lot to catch up. I have not had the writing discipline this year. We went to the Palmar Beach in Cadiz for just over two weeks, and I didn’t bring my computer because I was “traveling light”. I came back for a few days to see Lakshmi’s show and then returned with Juan and Luisito. I wrote a little bit on my iphone and I will weave that into here. 

We are in Sevilla again and it is hot. 

Freddie has decided to start drinking again. He is an alcoholic and he has a problem. The drinking changes him very quickly. But we are talking and sorting it out. 

Stephanie moved upstairs to Angel’s daughter’s room. They are away until the middle of August. Angel suggested that to me when I saw him the day he was leaving when I had returned for Lakshmi’s show. This has given us a little space.

But Teresa arrived today as planned. She is out friend and Flamenco student in Santa Cruz. She and others of my students have been practicing regularly when I am away. She will stay in my writing room, the room Stephanie had been staying in. Originally we had planned to put her on the couch. 

A striking figure, Teresa, tall and slender, arrived with a small laptop computer inside her tiny suitcase. She was dressed in black and a floppy hat shaded her pale face and its red hair. A small amount of eyeliner enhanced her blue eyes. She is a tattoo artist and most of her body is covered in tattoos. She has to shade them from the sun or they will fade. Her light complexion also makes her skin burn. 

After we ate Manchego cheese, jamon Serrano and Stephanie’s shrimp sevice salad, we decided to go outside.

First, we took Teresa out to the Alameda in the hot afternoon. It now has mists of water spraying from blue painted lumps, like miniature hills, which now are starting to grow green hairy grass where the water touches. The Alameda was very hot outside and inside the bars the noise and cigarette smoke was unacceptable to me.

So we walked back down to Bar Hercules and had drinks. I had two fresh squeezed orange juices. Teresa and Stephanie had Tinto de Veranos (a mixture of red wine and a carbonated lemon flavored drink). Freddie had beer.

Then we returned to the house to set Teresa’s computer up to the internet and to rest. 

We had thought about going to the Carocolá in Lebrija (a musical fair). However we didn’t have a car and if we had gone by train we would have had to rent a hostel and take the train back the next day. I was tired and didn’t feel up to it or to arranging it. Instead I took up Juan’s offer of a class. 

Teresa took off to explore and maybe find La Carboneria and then to meet Freddie and Stephanie in Triana, if it happened. I had my class and later, as I have written, Freddie and Stephanie left. 

Last night Freddie and I had a good talk about his renewed drinking. Last week and before, he had told me that he didn’t want to drink again. Then in the last two or three weeks his battle with his drinking go intense. He would get drunk and then decide the next day that he didn’t want to do that anymore. Then he would start drinking again. At one point he had a bottle of rum on top of the refrigerator at the beach. Stephanie, Luisito and I would watch it slowly getting emptier and emptier. It seemed as if Freddie didn’t know that we knew.

One night when he was drinking at home, we left to try to find some people we had met. When we returned home, after midnight, we found a note on the table that said “beach”. The three of us immediately took off for the beach, worried about Freddie. 

When we arrived we found him sitting on his beach chair, which he had taken with him. He was sitting in the moonlight watching the sea. He had even brought his flashlight. We were relieved to see him doing so well. We left him there and continued our interesting but unproductive search for our friends. 

We came home and Stephanie and Luisito worried about leaving Freddie on the beach. I decided to go to bed. Stephanie said that if he didn’t return in a hour she would go out to look for him. About an hour later I heard him come home, just before Stephanie was going out to look for him. I hadn’t been able to sleep until I knew he was safe. 

Part of what has been going on is Freddie’s journey towards independence. It was good for Freddie to be able to walk by himself to the beach and to sit alone. 

I am not happy about his drinking and have told him that I will not take care of him if something happens to his health that is caused by his drinking. I’ll let him stay in a rehabilitation center or a nursing home to recover. 

But he doesn’t it like it when I tell him not to drink so much. I become a mother figure then, a role that neither of us wants or likes. Freddie now has to make his own decisions. He will be preparing his own vitamins and medications. He will be driving himself to certain doctor appointments. We are changing our rolls with each other again. As much as I want to, I cannot choose Freddie’s path. This is a growing time for both of us.

I have given him a typed note with instructions to a taxi driver to bring him here. It also says that Freddie can direct him after he gets to the Alameda. That way Freddie can go home whenever he wants to and Stephanie or I don’t have to wait for him. Before we went to the beach, I made Freddie a little medical identification card, stating his name, address in Spain, medications and medical conditions. 

On July 7 we went to the Playa el Palmar beach in Cadiz province. We had been there several times before with Josh and Regina and this year when we were there with them, Freddie decided that he wanted to return to this particular beach to pass the hot Spanish summer. He was tired of the debilitating heat in Sevilla. 

So I made many phone calls and found one place for 5 days and another place for 3 days. It is almost impossible at the last moment to find anything vacant at the beach in Spain during July and August. The first place had called on Sunday and said that a renter had just canceled and if we left for there tomorrow we could have the place longer. We left that Tuesday. 

The place turned out to be a longer walk from the beach than we had thought. It was also very far away from stores. We would have needed a car.