November 30, 2001

I have jumped up another level in the dance, as of yesterday. I am working with Concha on putting the emotion and expression back in my dance and now it is coming more alive!!! I am sooo excited.

November 30, 2001

I didn’t write at all about our trip to Lebrija. I think it was in October. It was after my birthday party, probably the next week end. It was after Concha’s brother had died and I think before the Mass the month after. I can’t believe that I forgot to write about it. Anyway, we took photos of Calle (street) Concha Vargas, we saw the house where Pedro Bacan was born and the church that all the Gypsies from there get married in We saw the house that Concha’s family had lived in too and the balcony where her mother often stood to watch the passersbys on the street. It is near the church. We also spent some time at Fracki’s house. Fracki’s name is really Fraski, short for Francisca, but when Concha says her name in her Andalucian accent, it sounds like Fracki. There is a very slight difference between the way Concha says Fracki and the way I say it, but she told me the other day that it wasn’t “Fracki”, it was Fraski, but I still can’t hear the “s” when she says it normally.

Fracki has brown hair, a little shorter than shoulder length. To me, with her light skin, she looks like a payo, a non Gypsy, but Concha told me that Fracki is all Gypsy. Fracki is beginning to smile more but she is still very quiet. I did not know her before the death of her husband, so perhaps she was always quiet. She dresses in pants and sensible flat heeled shoes and a sweatshirt.

Concha has worked my dance up to a new level, with the expression of emotion. Today we had our last classes before the show. Concha also made a few more changes in my dance and now I have to remember them for the show. At least I have a better dance step vocabulary now and can easily do the new step she showed me. It is one of the contra steps that I have been working on with her recently. It is one that is fairly easy for me to do right! I don’t want to disappoint her. The other change is in the end. Now all my musicians get up when I do the last step and they follow me. It looked great on the video. I have two singers, two guitarists and Concha doing palmas for me. What a great backup. What a great support. And Concha told me to remember that they are all there for me. How could I go wrong with that? Concha tells me that she makes mistakes when she performs so I shouldn’t worry if I make a mistake. But I want to dance my best!

December 2, 2001

Today is the day of our show, la actuacion. I have been nervous and fighting getting sick. I have been depressed too. Is that nerves? Is it because we are leaving Spain soon? I don’t know. I hope I do well in the show. The bird chirps more and more in this crisp, cool and sunny morning as it flies from on end of its cage to the other. His/her yellow colors are becoming more strong too. I have talked to Paco about moving it down to his room before we leave. It seems like such a sweet, happy bird. Yesterday I felt sick and depressed so I spent the day at the computer uploading my photographs from the digital camera. I didn’t dance. I thought it would rest my legs, but this morning I could still feel it in my leaden thighs when I came up the stairs from the bathroom to our room. Carlos will video the show, but he did not come to a rehearsal so I hope it really happens. Rebecca will take photos with my digital camera and Sergio will takes more photos with his camera.

The neighbor’s laundry is moving gently today, not flapping, so there must not be too much wind. Someone is practicing guitar downstairs. We will go to breakfast when Freddie is done with his shower.

December 5, 2001

We took the little bird down to Paco’s today and already I miss its presence. I don’t know what it is about that little bird, but Freddie and I both feel very attached to it.

We changed our plane reservations today. We are coming home Saturday instead of Monday. If we came home Monday, we would have a five hour wait in Madrid because Thursday and Saturday are holidays here and people travel on a holiday weekend. So the Sevilla/Madrid flights leaving after 7:30 AM were all booked both Sunday and Monday. So, in order to avoid an almost five hour wait in Madrid, we will leave Saturday at 10:10 instead of 7:30 AM. I had been dreading that long layover in Madrid. It feels good, even though we are leaving two days earlier than planned. Tomorrow, because of the holiday, everything is closed and we had to take our boxes to mail home to the post office today, which luckily we were able to do. I had wanted to do it three weeks ago, but it took all this time for us to get it together. Things and us too move slowly in Spain. I will miss Sevilla. Freddie is ready to go, but I am ambivalent. The cold here bothers Freddie more than it bothers me. And too, my dancing is still changing, although I canceled yesterday and today’s classes so I could focus on packing. Because the boxes are sent, I will be taking classes tomorrow, my reward to myself. I just realized that I did not mention the show! It was wonderful and Concha is very proud of me. I danced very well and the place was full and everyone loved it. Rafael and Pola both sang beautifully for me and Freddie and Curro both played well and of course Concha was her powerful and supportive self. The end, where all the musicians get up and follow me worked well, although it was hardly rehearsed and then did not work perfectly. But in the performance is was perfect.

Carlos did video the show and in spite of my insistence, did some arty things and missed some of my dancing. But the video did turn out well anyway, although I didn’t get to see how my getting up from my chair looked, a part of the dance that I worked very hard on the last few days. Hopefully I did it as planned. There were other parts of my dance that didn’t get videoed because Carlos zoomed in on the singers and guitars. But at least I did get a video. I am happy about that. And you can see my expressions very well on the video.

Saturday Rafael and Mariano had spent most of the day fixing the stage and I didn’t get a chance to try it. They leveled it and made the two sides flush. Before, one side had a severe slant and the middle was coming apart; it was separated by about an inch. I had to be careful not to fall and not to get my heel stuck in the crack. Concha wanted that stage fixed before my show and so did I. However, when I went down to run through my dance on Sunday afternoon (the day of my show), the stage seemed varnished and was way too slippery to dance on! I panicked. Freddie spent a lot of time sanding the stage when the Coca Cola trick didn’t work well enough. (Coke makes the floor sticky and is a dancer’s quick fix to a slippery stage). After Freddie worked on it, the stage was finally fine and I was relieved. Then when Concha came that night she Coca Cola-ed the stage again about an hour before the show, but it didn’t have a chance to fully dry so it was still a bit slippery when I danced. I was very aware of the slippery parts during the performance, but I wonder if my trying to avoid the slippery parts contributed to the feeling of tranquillity and centeredness that pleased Concha so much. I had to center myself to keep from slipping! Concha was also pleased at my clean and clear and strong footwork and my perfect comps, even in the contra steps that we had worked so hard on. I am so glad. When I showed the video the next morning to the two Carmens who clean and to Mariano and Lina (one of Paco’s daughters who works at La Carboneria), Carmen who sings also commented on my clean footwork and perfect comps. Lina cried when she heard me on the tape giving thanks to Paco after the show. It was fun to show those wonderful people who had seen me struggling so hard in 1999 and 2000, my progress and accomplishment this year. They took pride in that too. They have seen my work, the long hours of practicing and yes, struggling. I’m sure they have seen my tears and tantrums too, as I cried in frustration so many times over these years while they were working their daily jobs at La Carboneria. What a wonderful family here in Spain. Now they see me as an artist. As Concha says, Viva California. I am so lucky to have this opportunity.

December 7, 2001 Thursday

The people at El Cordobes have invited us to a farewell dinner at their restaurant. They are going to cook something special. We have been packing for two days and took three boxes to the post office to send home yesterday. We couldn’t do it today because today and Saturday are days of fiesta and almost nothing is open. I was afraid to leave it to Friday, in case anything went wrong. We would have no time to fix it. But everything went right. Rafael went with us and carried the two heavy boxes. The third box held the paper farrolias that Freddie wants to string up festively around Paradiso, our house in California. We are ready for that luxury now, having been battling the cold here and lack of good heating. I still remember that feeling last year of walking into our house like walking into a beautiful and luxurious palace. I remember, almost as in a dream, the soft oriental rugs under my bare feet, the hot tub calling to my aching muscles, the warmth of the wood stove and the ease of turning on the propane gas heater. I remember a place of beauty, with arches of roses and wisteria climbing high, bougainvillea and geraniums, lilies and lavender, rosemary, peppermint, and so many more flowers and herbs. And then we get to see trees and sunsets, to hear the owls and watch for the eagles and hawks, to glimpse the family of deer who try to eat our roses. We used to sit on “Mama’s Bench” by “Mama’s Tree” and watch the hills and look down the canyon and take in the ocean off in the distance. What a paradise we will be returning too. We are ready. But still we know that we will miss the people here and their friendliness, the sense of community. We will also miss the walking and the beautiful buildings and not having to cook. And of course I will miss Concha and my dance lessons the most. But at least she plans to come out in June and then to stay for two months. So I will rest my body and prepare for her visit. Paco took us with Concha and Rafael to see another house to buy today, right near La Carboneria, but it is too small and run down. After that we all went to coffee at Carmela. May and Nacha came by, two friends we haven’t seen much of this trip. It was nice to visit with them. Manolo and a friend joined us. I love this social and easy atmosphere. I love meeting my friends on the street or in a restaurant and having coffee or food with them. It seems like almost everyone eats out quite a bit here in Spain. After that Concha, Rafael, Paco, Freddie and I went back to La Carboneria and I had a class with Concha. Freddie played for it and Rafael sang. I am learning a third Alegra! I had wanted just to polish my first one, but Concha says it is not professional enough for me now, that before I couldn’t do what I can do now. This was Monday that we had that discussion. Then she said if I wanted she would do that, that it would be easier for her. But after I saw the tape Monday night of what she was creating for me, I loved it. And it looked a lot better than it felt. But I had to skip class yesterday in order to do last minute shopping and to pack and today I only took an hour. I can’t take one tomorrow. I have packed my Flamenco shoes! We just have to organize the suitcases we are filling. We have sorted through and organized our three months of living here, as well as of collecting things, including Spanish Christmas gifts for our families in the States. It is a long job to pack ourselves up. We both tend to spread out and use our space in our day to day living and we have filled this room with ourselves. But our packing is calm and up to date. We are not pushing ourselves but we are working steadily with some distractions. It will get done by tomorrow night.

Freddie is practicing as I write. Tomorrow is out last day and we will pack up and perhaps buy a few Flamenco posters we have been eyeing. My nose is cold from the cold that creeps in easily through our wonderful windows.