September, 2001 (after September 11)

We arrived here in our beautiful, beloved Sevilla on the third of September. Concha Vargas, my Gypsy Flamenco dance teacher and dear friend and her husband, tall gray haired, handsome Rafael met us at the airport. Carlos Heredia, Freddie’s Gypsy Flamenco guitar teacher, his straight black hair even longer this year, was there waiting too. How nice it is to have friends to welcome you when you finally emerge from the airplane after those sleepless days of exhausting travel. Because Freddie’s foot was broken, he had used wheel chairs in every airport, but he still walked slowly, balancing on his crutches and trying not to hurt the shoulder he had had rotator cuff surgery on last year. Concha and I had not seen each other since the day, three weeks earlier, that we had seen her off at the San Francisco airport to return to Sevilla from her two month stay at our home in Santa Cruz, California. Now in the Sevilla airport together we skipped, arm in arm, in happiness to see each other again. Concha’s bushy black curly hair was loose around her round moon face and her big smile reflected the warmth of her soul that I love so much. She was wearing, as was I, the clothes we bought together at Ross Dress for Less in California. We wore the same shoes, our comfortable black Aerosole slip ons also from Ross. VMy Spanish Flamenco sister. After collecting our baggage, which arrived safely, we all went to La Carboneria, the nightclub and home of Paco Lira, where Freddie and I stay when we are in Sevilla. This is our third year here together. Even before we arrived in Sevilla, I had a bad cold which I had picked up on the airplane to San Diego, where we stayed before flying on to Spain. In San Diego we spent a few days visiting Freddie’s daughter Maggie and her family and then attending Basilio and Pilar’s three day Flamenco party. By the time we were on the airplane to Sevilla, my nose was running constantly and I was coughing up continuous phlegm. I had no energy. I had not even felt like dancing since the first day of Basilio’s party. I was so sick by the time we reached Sevilla that I did not begin to write until after the I heard the news of the shocking attacks on the World Trade Center in New York and the Pentagon in Washington on September 11, 2001.

I journeyed (for more explanation of the Shamanic journey, please see writing on my web site) after I heard the news. It was late afternoon here in Sevilla and it had just happened. I was planning on napping, but as I came down the stairs from our room to use the bathroom first, everyone asked us if we had heard the news. I called to Freddie and we went into Paco’s room to watch the news in Spanish. And we couldn’t believe it, but we kept seeing it on the television, like a bad science fiction movie, only it was real. After calling my son in Hamilton, New York (Colgate University) and my sister in Palo Alto from Paco’s phone, I went back upstairs and journeyed for all the people who had died or/and were in pain. I spent the whole time with my soul retrieval power animal directing lost/stunned/bewildered souls to the light. There was such chaos at so many suddenly and traumatically leaving their bodies. Every time I would get distracted my power animal would bring me back saying, “Help them to the light”. There were so many. I felt like a traffic director.

My e-mail shamanic journey group has scheduled a group journey (non-ordinary reality) on Saturday but I might miss it because I’ll be at the Jerez Fiesta de Bulera (Spain). But I might journey on Friday, although I am nine hours ahead of California here in Sevilla. Or, perhaps I will do it on Sunday which would be Saturday night over there. What a shocking situation. I am hearing most of it in Spanish. That’s all the news that’s been on TV. There are two US military bases here in Spain, both in Southern Spain, in the small towns of Rota and Moron (famous for its Flamenco in the 60’s and being the home of Diego del Gastor, an incredible guitarist whose legacy still lives on long after his death.) Both these small Spanish towns are now on red alert and no one can enter or leave the US bases there. The people here are in shock and of course also fear a world war. It’s still hard to believe, except that we are continually seeing video of the planes crashing into the world trade center and their aftermath on the news. My e-mail, which is finally hooked up and ready, is now filled with messages dealing with this tragedy. I have forwarded a Seven days of prayer article on how we have to try to change the world with our positive thoughts to many people because I just read it and I felt that it had helped focus me and would help others. Later I forwarded a moving piece written by an Afghani American man. This letter talked of the innocent Afghani’s who would be killed if Bush bombs them. But the culprits who did this would probably escape. He claims that the only way to get them is through a ground war, but this would probably start a war with Pakistan leading to a world war which is what Bin Laden wants. Apparently Bin Laden thinks he will win and it is his holy war. Ah Nostradamas.

September 18, 2001

I journeyed again for help as part of our e-mail group journey Sunday night Spain time, which is Sunday morning US time. I didn’t see anyone from our group, although I expected to see my whole journey group there as usual. The spirits told me that I had already made this journey and that I (or my path) was different from the others! They pointed out that most of my group members had continued their shamanic training while the spirits have directed me into dance and doing shamanic healings. They said that I should continue to do shamanic healings (I have already done three here in Spain where I have been since Sept. 4). They also re-emphasized that my other way to help the world is to dance, and that is my path. I am not sure what this means in terms of doing group journeys. But one thing I gained or re-gained, is a sense of positive energy. I had been getting drawn into negative, traumatic feelings and situations lately (since the attacks) and I saw that this was a microcosm of what is happening in the world. If we can’t get out of it on a personal level, how can we expect the governments to get beyond it? After this journey, I was able to focus again on the positive, which I think is essential at this time. I feel lighter myself. Of course, I still feel the pain for all the tragedy and those still suffering and I still journey and pray for them. But something has changed inside me and I find myself filled with light instead of the darkness of pain and suffering. My pain does not help the world, but my joy may help the world. Hopefully I can help to spread feelings of joy and happiness and love in a world which badly needs that. We all have very important parts to play in this life at this time. May the spirits give us the strength and the sight to do it well.

I understand that there is fear in the world now and that many people want to de-escalate that fear and to focus on peace. I agree with that. When I sent my sister suggestions of an antibiotic to buy and keep in case of germ warfare, she wrote that she wished I hadn’t sent it because she felt it fostered fear. I agree with my sister that we should not foster fear. Nevertheless, I think we should all put this in our medicine cabinets just in case, because it is easy to do and if germ warfare does happen, we will be prepared. Hopefully mankind will not be that stupid and mean. But obtaining the medicine now is like earthquake preparation or vaccinations. Hopefully we will never have to use it. I don’t really know what is happening in the US in terms of mass psyche. Of course, I do not trust Bush one bit, and he could fall into the trap of war easily, but hopefully he won’t. I am trying to send out all my positivity and not get sucked in by negativity, especially in these trying times.

September 18, 2001

I am feeling better (I had a bad cold for 3 weeks and didn’t feel like writing). I will start chronicling soon, so be prepared. Freddie and I both love Spain and Sevilla and are so glad to be back here. We have already had two all nighters and a number of times when we got to bed at 5 and 6 AM so we are tired too. It’s harder to do, the older you get.

We went to the Feria de Utrera with Concha and her husband Rafael and Rubina and we saw Miguel Funi dance. This is a town fair where the there are rows of Casetas, brightly decorated, open tents making a little town with dirt roads and brightly colored lights. Inside they serve food and drink and sometimes present shows. They are sponsored by both private people (the very rich) and organizations. There are photos of the ferias of Jerez and Sanlucar on our web site in the Spain photos in 1999. On September 15 went to the Fiesta de Bulera in Jerez with the same people. This fiesta took place in the bull ring and had non-stop Flamenco until the hours of the morning before the sun came up. It was only OK. Both events were all nighters (no sleep) and so we are still tired. The electricity just went off here as I write, so I have to check on it.

September 19, 2001

Sevilla is beautiful as always and Freddie and I are delighted to walk again down these cobbled winding streets of Sevilla. Of course, Freddie hasn’t walked a lot because he broke his foot in a car accident in California. He arrived on crutches, using wheel chairs at the airport. Here at last, Freddie managed to make it up the steep narrow stairs to our wonderful white room with it’s bright blue window trim and two forest green metal braces at the top of La Carboneria. Carmen, our friend, a Gypsy from Moron, who cleans here and sings Tangos, had completely painted both our room and the bathroom before our arrival. The blue and white square tiled floor was clean and we had new sheets for the bed. We are always made to feel so welcome here. There is such kindness. Paco lent Freddie his crutch cane and took us to his acupuncturist, his friend Jesus. And Jesus has worked miracles. Freddie had another x-ray which shows that his bone is growing together correctly. Jesus gave him fresh aloe to put on the foot with a bandage at night. Yesterday Jesus told him he didn’t need the bandage again unless it hurt. Freddie will have his back treated next. He has been able to greatly decrease his pain pills already. Jesus is an exceptional acupuncturist aside from being Paco’s friend. We got to know him last year here. There is a picture of him on our web site at our 2000 despedida party. As I wrote before, I was already sick when we arrived in Spain. Then my voice gave out and I could hardly speak. I had a headache and indigestion and no energy. I didn’t feel like writing and I hardly felt like dancing, although I did start my classes with Concha up again. The first time that Freddie and I went to acupuncture here, to Jesus, my nose and throat cleared up a little. Then I had mucous that kept coming up and out both through my coughing and my nose. The next acupuncture visit has seemed to clear that up and my energy is beginning to increase. I am finally writing tonight.

September 22, 2001

This year I am having a more difficult time finding the space to write. Perhaps taking two classes a day and trying to study my classes is what is using up my time. But, I am polishing a beautiful Solea and I love it. It rained here yesterday, big droplets coming in through the roof, buckets in our room and on the stairs, no one able to sit in the outside cafes that sprinkle the streets of Sevilla. I pulled out the boots I had bought here last year and the raincoats that we thought we wouldn’t need and we walked in the refreshing rain to El Cordobes for dinner. We were lucky to get a table, because of course we couldn’t sit outside. We eat there almost every day and one the waiters, a 29 year old father of two, Jose, is practicing his English on us. We call him our son and he calls us “Familia”. The waiters have our tastes memorized and tell us our order as we sit down. Today the sky is blue with white cotton like clouds drifting in the breeze. Saturday. I hear a church bell ringing. Someone is practicing downstairs. Rubina will come over a little later to practice with Freddie and me. I discovered that we can send e-mail to and from our movi’s, but there is a 120 character limit. For emergency contacts, this is great. I can send e-mail to Concha and Rubina’s movi’s too, but they have to learn how access their written messages. The writing on Concha’s movi is too small for me to read!

Concha’s brother is in the hospital with heart problems and apparently he has taken a turn for the worse today. She is very concerned and is at the hospital with him now as I write.

We have decided not to buy our piso in Sanlucar because of the money situation at home, the market being down and the exchange rate here falling for us. Things seem just too uncertain to make that kind of a commitment now. We went to look at the half finished building last Saturday before we went to the Festival de Bulera in Jerez. It would have been nice to have a piso next to Concha and Rafael, but the world situation and our economic uncertainty is making us think twice about spending money. We would both rather spend it on classes.

September 24, 2001

I am trying to find the time to write about things. I have started but not finished. Freddie and I are both taking lessons but we too feel traumatized by the recent world events. Nothing is the same. Not only is there all the death and suffering and pain and fear of world war, etc., but on a personal note, we do not know about our financial situation due to the stock market falling. I hope it doesn’t make it hard to keep our house, hopefully it won’t. I have no idea how much money I now have. Our future seems uncertain on so many levels. But I can’t waste time worrying. So we are just trying to keep our spending way down and to enjoy our life here. (The dollar has fallen here so everything is more expensive).We canceled the piso (apartment) we were going to buy in Sanlucar. There is nothing we can do at the moment, so why panic? It’s just that these thoughts are there in the back of my mind. But I feel calm and am not really worried right now.

We are thinking about where we want to spend the war, if it comes to that. I will journey on it. At the moment, Freddie wants to come home. His mother Bea and my father Jack are both eighty two years old and that would be the draw to come home. We don’t want to be trapped somewhere due to war, so we have to think it through. I don’t want to cut our trip short, but that comes from emotion, not from thought. We are facing the fact that we might be involved in a real war very soon and we have to do some thinking about it. How awful. I am worried about our home in California because if we lose electricity, we lose the ability to pump water from our well and therefore have no water. So far, solar energy for this has proved extremely expensive (about $100,000 for an adequate system). Just thoughts. Here is certainly history in the making.

September 26, 2001

I will be writing more soon. I have started. I am taking two private classes per day with now a daily group technique class just added. The two private classes were in anticipation of Concha leaving in October for her American tour with Antonio el Pipa. But now she says she doesn’t want to go. She is scared to fly right now and scared to be in the United States. She is also concerned about her brother who is in the hospital. She is very close to him. Concha told me that her oldest son, 19 year old Quintin, was down on his knees crying and begging her not to go to America. With this type of reaction from her family, I think she will stay here. We receive constant e-mails about the current world events. I don’t remember if I forwarded the story of someone on one of the first of the resumed airplane flights. It was moving. The passengers and crew reacted as a temporary family and set their own rules for safety on the airplane. An air of alert informality prevailed, a unity and declaration of support for one another. But I also hear that there is no upgraded security at the airports, and some people report that there is less than before, which is somehow hard to believe. But we heard from someone who flew from London to Spain (I don’t know whether to Sevilla or Madrid) that there was less security than before. And our friend Richard Black, who flew from SF to Madrid said the same thing. Strange.

September 29, 2001

The fear of immediate war seems to have subsided. Paco, who reads the newspapers and listens to the news religiously, and has almost 80 years of life experience, doesn’t think we will have a world war right now. We have stopped thinking that we will have to cut our trip short. We are still not sure if Concha will go to the US or not next month. So at the moment I am taking three classes a day from her, two privates and the small group technique class which is helping a lot. I went to the dentist for my tooth ache. She took x-rays and discovered a small infection so I took four days of antibiotics and I feel a lot better. That seemed to knock out my cold too and my energy returned.

But, since I have stepped up my classes, my legs have gotten tired. Where I used to bound up the stairs to our room, even when I was sick, now, as I remember doing last year and the year before, I sometimes have to pull myself up because I thighs are rebelling. I am becoming very emotional again, as I also did last year. Last year I thought it was menopause hormone reactions returning. Now I wonder if it is just such an overwhelming amount of new information I am taking in at all levels. I am trying too hard and then I see a video of myself and get discouraged. Although, the video of yesterday’s classes actually looked good. There is pouring rain and thunder outside as I sit here writing this Saturday morning. There are no classes this weekend because Concha’s brother Rafael is still in the hospital, probably dying. Upon request, I did a journey for him last week and he stabilized. I saw how much he did not want to die, this young man of forty eight years. But I think he is dying. Concha says he is medicated and swollen. I saw the bright light and Concha’s father standing there waiting for him. Before I journeyed he was thrashing around. I saw in the journey that it was his way of fighting death. But the doctors were afraid that he would bring on a heart attack and so he is very medicated. Concha had to drag his wife Frackie home to her house to sleep after she stayed six days without sleeping in the hospital. The family will spend the weekend again in the hospital. Freddie and I have been practicing with Rubina a lot. She is a good influence and gets me downstairs and onto the stage. She is very supportive and encouraging. She herself is dancing better and better. She performs here at La Carboneria three nights a week and the audience loves her. She is in Concha’s technique class with me.

Yesterday evening Rubina and I went shopping. Calle Sierpes, the fancy car-less shopping street in the middle of Sevilla, is all dirt right now, with a deep hole running down the middle. They are doing construction, probably sewers, and it looks like something out of the old west. Many of the connecting side streets are also dug up dirt right now, with planks for people to cross the street to the other stores and thin dirt paths along each side of the hole which runs down the middle of the street. Calle Sierpes certainly doesn’t look as fancy right now as it used to, but in the evenings, it is still filled with people strolling and shopping. It is always very festive on the streets of Sevilla during the evening shopping hours. Stores re-open, after the siesta time, at five or six o’clock and close again between eight thirty and nine. Just before nine we went to Corte Ingles, the big, famous department store in Plaza Duque and I bought a non-electric portable water purifier. When we left the store, the rain had started pouring again so we looked for a taxi. In a moment of optimism in spite of the warm humidity, Rubina hadn’t taken her rain coat. We were lucky and found a taxi fairly quickly, but it took a long time to get home, because rain at nine in Spain in the evening means rush hour and the traffic hardly moved. We finally had to get out near La Carboneria and walk because we were tired of sitting in the taxi and going nowhere.

September 30, 2001 - La Familia de La Carboneria

Today is the last day of September. It is still raining and wintry outside. But I hear a bird as I write, a twittering telling me that really it is still fall.

I have wanted to write more of the people here. These are the people of Paco’s world, the people who live or have lived at La Carboneria, the people who work at the Carboneria, the people who live and work in Sevilla. The other night Alexi, who just returned from a trip home to Italy, was playing the violin with Carlos’ group. The musical interaction between the Alexi and Carlos was intense and exciting. Alexi’s maroon velevet coat flaired out above his white shirt like a symbol of his musical abandon. I watched his thin face outlined with his brown red beard and long stringy hair pulled back showing the small gold earring in his right ear, and I thought about the novels I have read in my life describing artists of other generations. I want to describe the artists of this generation, this wonderful and exciting time period that will someday be history. The characters who play their parts in today deserve to be immortalized as did, for example, the characters described by Henry Miller and Anais Nin. XParis in the thirties, Sevilla in the 2000’s —the artists continue through the generations. And so Alexi caught my imagination and linked these generations for me. The passion on Alexi’s face when he leans into his violin looks almost religious. His long fingers seem to pray as they dance from string to string, his bow crying and singing the music with the smoothness of wind, the wind from the heavens, fast or slow, intensity changing, but always flowing from its supernatural source. I wrote about Alexi the Italian last year too. He lives with Elisabeth from the midwest USA and they had our upstairs room here last year. They have just found their own apartment now in Sevilla that they will share with Alexi’s mother and her boyfriend. His mother is a painter and Concha has one of her paintings in her apartment. The painting is of a group of musicians, one of which is Alexi. I think Alexi looks a little like Christ in it, as he does when he plays his violin. Although, there are times when he plays that the music brings a beautiful smile of ecstasy that I don’t associate with Christ, but it is definitely a spiritual reaction to the music. Christine, Ryan’s girlfriend, told me that Alexi grew up in a tiny village overlooking the sea in Italy. He dreamed of musical instruments and as a child would pretend he was playing them. He had the soul of a musician and fortunately it is realized.

Christine told me she has had long, wonderful talks with Alexi when they were both living at La Carboneria. I first heard about Christine last year when Ryan was telling us about this wonderful woman he had met here and who was waiting for him in San Francisco. Ryan is a young American Flamenco guitarist who had studied first with Chris Carnes (see our memorial to Chris Carnes on our web site). He has come to La Carboneria to stay many different times. I wrote about him last year. Like us, he studies and practices his music all the time. Here he studies guitar with Juan del Gastor, a nephew of the famous and immortalized guitar master Diego del Gastor of Moron. Last year when we were here, Ryan went off to San Francisco to see if Christine really was the love of his life. Freddie and I grilled him like parents on “right” relationships, saying, “If your music gets better then it is good, but if you play less music or it gets worse, get out of the relationship”. And Ryan listened to us and remembered. And of course his music got better and he and Christine sold everything they owned and returned to Spain and La Carboneria for at least a year. And so we finally met Christine. Her tall, slender body and straight brown hair and pretty face give her a look of innocence. Her subtle nose ring and her belly button ring link her to the younger generation. She is thirty, a little older than Ryan. Before she met Ryan, she had been living in Tokyo for a year painting and writing. That summer Christine and her sister had decided to travel through Europe and in a wonderful story that Christine needs to write, she was led to meet Ryan at the Carmela Alta Mira cafe where we always have coffee. She saw a bright aura surrounding Ryan and the thought came to her that this would be her husband! She and Ryan hit it off and he brought her to La Carboneria to hear Flamenco and of course he played guitar for her. She said she was also attracted to how handsome he was, his dark, curly hair and face so neatly cared for, his body slim and fit. And then they shared a common spirituality together as well. When I met Christine I felt as if Freddie and I had already known her for years. And to us, she seems perfect for Ryan. It is wonderful to see the younger generation carrying on the Bohemian, artist life style. It makes me understand Paco’s visitors even more. Paco is almost eighty and is like us. Christine and Ryan are much younger and they are like us. There is a feeling of continuation here, the immortality of the generations continuing, (as long as we don’t blow up the entire world). In the days on the patio I see Ryan practicing his guitar and Christine, with her lap top computer like mine, sitting next to him writing. She has already learned good Flamenco palmas and is poised to start dancing. But she has the feeling that she will be hooked, and so is trying to finish some writing and painting projects before she dives into the dance. I have a feeling that she will be very good.

September 30, 2001

Rubina and Freddie and I practiced almost all day today. Yesterday Rubina was here dancing and singing nine hours and Freddie and I joined her for seven of them. I love the week ends here this time, because there are no classes and the stage is free and I can practice as much as I want. And it is fun to work with Rubina. We have different strong points and we are able to help each other a lot. And, we have a lot of fun together. A new addition to the Carboneria family is Marta, a young, blond and pretty twenty two year old girl from Poland who just came this week and is here to study Flamenco. Marta joins Rubina in the mornings before I come down and Rubina practices her teaching techniques on Marta. Rubina’s dancing has become so strong. And when she performs now she is finally dancing her self and smiling and her wonderful personality is shining through. It takes her dance to a new level. Her time in Spain shows. She is getting better and better. I have been doing Sevillanas with her at the end of each of her shows with Alfonso the singer and Antonio the guitar player. People are very enthusiastic about it. Alfonso calls me up onto the stage and introduces me first. We have fun. Rubina has been practicing her singing with Freddie. Of course, people wander through and Paco always knows what goes on. He sees and hears us practicing. Today he suggested that Rubina sing here at La Carboneria. She is a bit reluctant be we will see. She has so much respect for the Spanish singers that she doesn’t want to sing here, but if Paco wants her to I think she will. The audience here loves her dancing and she always gets a tremendous applause.

Richard Black, here from Santa Cruz for two weeks and Bobby “El Poni”, another friend who has been living in Jerez this last year, came to visit today with two visitors from New Zealand who Richard met from the Flamenco List. It was nice to see our two old friends from Santa Cruz here in Spain and to meet their new friends. We visited with Bobby here last year too when he was living in Sevilla. Photos are on the web site in Spain 2000.

October 2, 2001

Ryan and Christine came back from Tarifa tonight, where they have been staying for several days. They needed a vacation from the busy-ness of La Carboneria to think about this world situation. We missed them. Becca, a young Belly Dancer Music Camp friend of ours from California arrived in Sevilla last night to study Flamenco. This morning we helped her find a cheap hostel to stay in. She had spent her first night in one three times as expensive, farther away, and not as nice. And the Armenians from New York arrived. Their dancer is coming tomorrow. They will all stay here at La Carboneria. They plan to be performing six nights a week here for a month. I had met Souren the clarinet player once at a Middle Eastern camp in Mendocino. They have been coming every year for ten years, except for missing last year. I remember Paco talking about them to us before I could understand him as well as I can now. We certainly have a full house, but at least the people are artists and are interesting.

I haven’t yet described Francois the tall, blond French German who plays beautiful classical guitar in the patio garden, or Pola who sings Pedro Bacan Lebrija Flamenco style Romances and like to cook. He might be cooking for us and Paco and Marta up on our verandah. He cooked a beautiful meal today for lunch down on the patio.

October 4, 2001

Yesterday and today Concha has worked with me on body posture and style in a new way and my dance has changed dramatically. She says this is only the beginning. I have wanted this for years and she said that she was also “loca” to work on this and that it is finally time. First I had to work on my comps and footwork and get the coordination of the choreography. Now I am finally working on the stuff I have seen in my videos but could not figure out how to change myself. I stayed up until 4 AM last night watching the video from my 8 PM class and finally I went to bed ecstatic. What a switch from the discouragement I have been feeling at seeing my dancing look like that of a stick figure, an old woman trying to move. Now it looks like my dreams … hopefully I can take this in and keep it forever!!!!

October 7, 2001 Sunday

Concha’s brother died Friday morning. Carmen who cleans here and sings, and who is also a friend of Concha’s, came up to our room Friday morning to relay the news. Rafael had just called the Carboneria downstairs to leave the message. Of course class was canceled. Without a class to prepare for and take, we ended up going to Rubina’s for an American breakfast of bacon and eggs and then Rubina and I walked to the bus station to buy our tickets for Sanlucar for Saturday morning. Freddie had a two hour guitar lesson with Carlos. As Rubina and I arrived back at the Carboneria patio through the side door from Calle Cespedes, students who had showed up for class were milling around, having just been told of the death of Concha’s brother. Someone told us to call Concha, that she wanted us to go to the hospital and that someone would come to take us. I ran upstairs to tell Freddie and to change my clothes. We ended up going with Carlos and Pola and Naoko, in Carlos’ car. (Naoko is a student of Concha’s from Japan who has been here for more than a year studying with Concha. I remember her from last year. She got very very good and Concha is very proud of her). Rubina and Juana took a taxi because there was not enough room in Carlos’ car for all of us. I discovered that it is the custom here (for all but the very rich), that the family is given rooms in the hospital’s mortuary to grieve in. People come here to pay their respects, to offer their love to the bereaved. We found Concha in one of the small, plain rooms, sitting on a chair smoking and looking devastated. We sat with her and talked with her and held her. All of our group left after a short time but Freddie and I stayed for several hours. Other people came and went. The widow, Concha’s sister-in-law, came in, sat, and smoked. She was almost expressionless. She had been at her husband’s side in the hospital for the last two weeks, sleeping and eating very little. Now she seems in total shock. She is only thirty. Her eleven year old daughter, Conchita (named after Concha) asked to see her father (his body). The adults debated and I urged them to let her if she wanted to. Because of my psychological training, they listened to me. Conchita said afterwards that she felt completed by doing that, by seeing her father’s body one last time. She seems very mature for eleven.

The funeral was the next day in Lebrija. We did not go because we were in Sanlucar and also because I think the funeral was a more family affair. It was about saying good bye to the brother. At the hospital we were there to support Concha. And we did. That Friday night we did not attend any of the dancing at la Carboneria. We were drained and we knew that we had to get up early the next day to catch the bus at ten AM at the bus station. Very early (by our standards) Saturday morning Freddie, Rubina, and I took the bus in the pouring rain to Sanlucar to get our deposits back from the piso we decided not to buy because of the world situation. The realtor, Paco Ibaez, met us at the bus station when we called on our movi to tell him we had arrived. We signed the release papers and picked up our waiting checks. We were lucky and grateful to get our money back. After completing our business, we briefly explored Sanlucar, stepping between large puddles of rain on the uneven streets, wet and tired, as the stores were closing for siesta and the rest of the weekend. We stopped for coffee to rest Freddie’s foot. Then we continued on, by bus, to Jerez, a half hour away. There we visited our old friend from Santa Cruz, Bobby “el Poni”, who has been living in Jerez, studying guitar, singing and dancing all year. That evening we went to a Pea there (a community Flamenco club) where we saw Chocolate sing to the guitar of Antonio Carrion. Chocolate, his small brown gypsy face now creased with wrinkles, is a famous and wonderful singer from Jerez. He is now in his seventies but he still sings beautifully and movingly, although his voice has lost some of its earlier strength. He was a treat to listen to and Antonio Carrion accompanied him beautifully and sensitively. Chocolate sang soulful Siguiriyas and I enjoyed him even more this time than I did when we heard him at the Flamenco Bienal here last year. We spent the night at a small, somewhat dirty Hostel near Bobby’s house. The next morning the sun came out and we walked around Jerez and had coffee and ate lunch before catching the two thirty bus back to Sevilla. We arrived back at La Carboneria at four PM Sunday and rested for a while. Rubina borrowed a pair of Freddie’s shorts and went out on our balcony to sun bathe. I tried to sleep. Freddie practiced guitar. That night on our way out to dinner, we stopped to see Paco who was in his room, as we usually do when he is upstairs. While saying hello to Paco, who is still in bed with a bad cold, we heard news of the bombings. He was watching it on his television. As I have said before, Paco is always up on the news. He watches it on the television, listens to it on the radio, and reads the papers. We left for dinner before anything was confirmed. On the way to El Cordobes we met Becca and she joined us. Later, during dinner the waiters told us that the US and Britain did indeed bomb Afghanistan and then they turned on the news on their television. Tears started from my eyes and I lost my appetite. We returned to La Carboneria, checked in with Paco and the news, and then proceeded upstairs and got on the internet for the BBC news in English. We lit a candle for all the people who have died and/or are suffering. I didn’t feel like dancing anymore after hearing the news. When I thought about my reaction I asked myself why not dance for the world, rather than cry. So, before I danced tonight, I decided to dance for all the people who are suffering right now. I want to bring joy and I offer my dance as a prayer, a healing prayer for all those who need it. Then I went downstairs and did Sevillanas with Rubina at the end of her show and it was fun. Rayhana’s Middle Eastern dance, (she is part of the Armenian group) and the Armenian music followed the Flamenco show. During her dance, Rayhana pulled me up on stage and we danced together. That was fun too. I haven’t done Middle Eastern dance in a while, but my twenty five years of experience with it has made it a part of me; and it felt good to do it again. People said it looked very natural, and it has always felt more natural to me than Flamenco. Flamenco I have to learn in this life; Middle Eastern seems to come from an inner knowing, although of course I took many years of classes. But now is my time for Flamenco. Flamenco is teaching me emotional lessons as well as dance. For Flamenco one must like oneself and believe in oneself. One must react with strength and not crumple. Flamenco makes me tune into my strong parts as well as my soft parts. There is an attitude of self acceptance and confidence that I must feel and express to dance well. Dancing Flamenco is making me grow emotionally and I love it.

Rayhana and Souren have moved into Luis and Rubina’s old room, Liz and Alexi’s room last year, across from the bathroom. Marta had been staying there for the last two weeks, but now she is staying outside the Carboneria and Rayhana and Souren have given up their temporary hotel to join the rest of their group living here at La Carboneria. Before there was no space for a couple so they had to take a room in a hostel. It is part of their contract that they stay here and what they had expected to do. They are nice people. We are a lot of Americans here right now, but we are all nice and all artists. Pola and Manolo and of course Paco are from Spain. Francois is from France. The international make up of the people here changes, sometimes from day to day. Paco has friends from all over the world. Most visit for a while and then leave. Some stay on for extended periods, and some indefinitely. Right now we are a full house!! (Francois is sleeping on a mattress outside Ryan and Christine’s little den by the stairs.)

October 9, 2001

She says I am too rigid when I do the complicated contra palmas pattern at the end of my buleras. I become afraid, afraid that I can’t do it, afraid that I am not good enough, afraid of failure, afraid of making a mistake. Flamenco has so much to teach me about living, about growing. She asks why I am afraid. She shows me how my fear becomes reality —when I am rigid with fear the palmas don’t work; when I am relaxed they are fine. Flamenco is about relaxing and being strong and right on at the same time. Why is that so hard? I feel like I must break out of this small shell of rigidity, that my light must break free of this limitation and shine. The “me” inside, bound by limitations of my mind, must break through and shine. I love it when Rubina dances who she is. Now I must do the same. When I do Sevillanas with Rubina on the stage I am me and the audience sees it. Now I must let the me come out with the hard things too. My fear holds me back. And this process of letting go is what I teach to my psychotherapy clients. Why can’t I teach it to myself? Dick Olney used to say, “I made a mistake and that’s where it’s at and it’s no big deal.” I must stop fearing making a mistake with my contras and just enjoy it. Concha says that this is Flamenco, feeling the comps with the entire body in every aspect of life. Concha says that if I make a mistake it can help me learn. She also is working with me so I don’t “eat” the accents. Perhaps “swallow” is a more accurate translation. The accents and terminations must be strong in Flamenco to keep that pulse moving, that heartbeat of the comps. There must be no insecurity; there must be a feeling of relaxed confidence. What a metaphor for psychotherapy, for what we try to teach in the psychotherapeutic process. When I do it right she yells, “Ol, viva tu.” That’s it. Are you hearing it now? Are you feeling it?

PM.

Today we started the clean and organize project of Paco’s floor, where all the guests but us stay. This morning I got some masking tape from Mariano, who is back at work after being hospitalized for an ulcer. Christine and Ryan wrote everyone’s name on a piece of tape and placed it over one of the towel hooks. Now everyone has a specific place to hang their towel. Ryan and Souren reorganized the main room, moving shelves that were placed in front of other shelves, temporarily for an unfinished but forgotten project. They moved old abandoned belongings of previous guests, broken chairs, and stuffed boxes. They created a nicer sitting space and then they cleaned it. Haig, the Armenian oud player, tightened the shower head so it won’t fall. Mariano is going to put in a bracket to hang a shower curtain tomorrow and Christine and I will go out to buy two beautiful ones as a present from our community to Paco. Yes, suddenly we feel like community. Working together to beautify our environment and help take care of Paco’s house, to give back to Paco some of what he has given, has brought us all closer together. This morning, after the basket trunk with the boxes and junk piled on it had been moved, I found the book I had asked the universe for. In my dance class the other day, Concha quoted the Lorca poem about Antonio Torres Heredia, referring to my learning to walk slowly and with tranquillity/grace/attitude. “Anda despacio y garboso”, she said, and quoted several stanzas of that poem. I decided I wanted to find it and perhaps memorize it. I wondered to myself if Paco had any Lorca or if I should look in a book store. Well this morning I wondered what was in the liberated basket trunk. I opened it and there, on the left top was a paperback Lorca book, covered with old dust. It had the poem I wanted. I showed it to Paco and he immediately took the book to the bar and cleaned it off for me. It was a new book when it was given to Paco and it is in perfect condition and now it looks new again. Another magic moment of our adventures in Spain. This afternoon Christine showed me her paintings. She is an excellent artist and her paintings are beautiful. I am impressed. Her major influence is Marc Rothco, but I actually like her things better. Paco wants to give her an exhibition here at La Carboneria next year, at the time of the Bienal. Paco’s son Pisco, who always feels organized and responsible, is also interested in showing Christine’s work. She and Paco’s son Sergio, who works here at the Carboneria, are both artists and share a strong admiration for each other’s work. She would like to show Sergio’s things in New York when she does an exhibition there. Quiet, curly haired Sergio is also an excellent photographer. His photograph of Concha was on the Giradilla (major entertainment guide) cover during the 2000 Bienal. I have a copy of this photo on our web site. I love it so much that I used it to make the fliers for Concha’s classes when she was in California last summer. La Carboneria also gives away free postcards with photos of Sevilla taken by Sergio.

October 11, 2001

Elun’s birthday is today. He is thirty. Thirty years ago I was at Black Bear Commune in the wilderness mountains of California giving birth to my beautiful baby, Elun. Today he and his wife are going to New York city to see the memorials to those who died and/or suffered in the tragedy and to see theater too. What a world to celebrate your birthday in. I guess, I’ll have the same world to celebrate my birthday in too, in about two weeks. Last night, here in Sevilla, I belly danced (in a makeshift costume) with Rayhana to the music of the Armenians. We had created a duet earlier in the evening which we performed during her show at La Carboneria. It was fun, but I didn’t like what I did when I saw it in the video tape Freddie took of it. All my old, bad habits of belly dance were back. Hopefully I can correct that tonight. We will go over our choreography again and I will try to learn it better. I kept looking at Rayhana for the steps and that also distracted me and I didn’t dance the “me” like I did the other night when I danced impromptu.

October 12, 2001

In my journey today I was told to ask Max, our friend, neighbor, renter, caretaker, to send me a list of all the appointments for November that are in that book. So I just sent him an e-mail. My dancing is taking wonderful leaps and bounds and has greatly improved, even in the last two days. I have been working on good, strong palmas and contra tiempo. I am also still working on strong accents and not “eating/swallowing” the comps. It is very exciting, although there are times before I get “there” that I am full of frustration, crying and complaining that I just can’t do it. But then it starts to come and I see it in the video. It looks good. It is more objective than just feeling it as I am doing it. The video often surprises me, it is so different from how I feel that it looks. My posture and arms look better too, although there are still things there that I can see that I need to correct. Concha often sees more than I do, what I need to correct. She goes a step farther than I do, and I like that. She actually stretches me to heights that are beyond my imagination. She has opened dimensions for me that I could not get to myself. She is a true teacher and is giving me so much of herself when she teaches. She believes in me and says she is teaching me like she teaches her own daughter. She is also correcting my style as well as my comps in a very detailed way. And I am actually getting it.

The first installment of my writing will be sent out eventually, when I finish the first edit.

Freddie’s foot is mending, but it is not better yet and he still can’t walk too far, which is a shame. Although, he got a beautiful pair of shoes with laces for his orthopedic inserts, “plantillas” which should help both his feet and his back.

We’re taking the bus to Jerez tomorrow to see a Flamenco show. Manuel Agujetas, Luis’s older brother will sing. I am not sure who the other performers are. Bobby told us about the concert. We’ll spend the night in Jerez and return to Sevilla on Sunday.

We’re going to celebrate my birthday next Saturday (a week from tomorrow), a few days before my actual 57th birthday on Tuesday October 23rd. Rafael, Concha’s husband will come to la Carboneria early and cook. Concha will get a birthday cake from Utrera where she says the best bakeries are. We will invite the people who live here, Rubina, and some of our other friends. It will be fun. We are celebrating on Saturday so Concha can come. She works on all the week days and we figure Saturday is an easier day to give the party than Sunday.

Our next door neighbors called from their terrace to our window tonight to invite us to dinner Monday night.

As I have been writing tonight, Freddie is playing beautifully and cleanly, sitting on the chair by our Formica “coffee” table, in front of the small couch we moved up here from down stairs. The couch is covered with a turquoise blanket whose short fringe hangs at the bottom by the floor. We cleaned and straightened our room last night and it looks nice.

October 14, 2001

We returned from Jerez this afternoon. Jerez was fun and we both bought boots. We couldn’t find a hotel so we ended up staying at Bobby’s. Bobby is leaving Monday for Madrid and then home to the US. Rubina went down with us for the day and then returned that evening to dance here. She is tuning in to her singing, her dancing, and also her healing abilities now that she is alone. I see a strong and wise woman emerging from her. She just needs to listen to that. She has grown both emotionally and artistically. October 15, 2001

I finally sent the first two installments today. That feels good.

October 17, 2001

We are thinking very seriously about postponing our return until the beginning of December. Not only do we not want to fly into NY right now (although I don’t know if it will be better in December), but I am learning so much so quickly that I want to continue. I am in a very exciting phase of my learning and am making incredible changes in my dance. Paco wants us to stay for three months but we do want to go home for the Christmas holidays. The “Armenians”, who are New Yorkers, are going home at the end of the month. I hear now from Americans arriving here that security is excellent in the airports. I have been belly dancing and performing with Rayhana, the dancer who is here with the Armenians. She is a lovely, warm and nice person. We worked up a duet to do during her performances here and we put together another (and I think better) kind-of-costume for me. My belly dance is rusty, but the creaks are starting to work out and it is fun. We videoed last night and it was much better than in the previous video. And, it is fun. We use Rayhana’s digital camera to video and then I plug in and transfer it to my digital camera so I have a good quality tape too. Who ever would have thought that I would be belly dancing in Spain! Or anywhere again for that matter!

October 19, 2001

Freddie has been sick with Paco’s cold and bronchial infection but is now recovering. He is on antibiotics. My birthday party is tomorrow. My body is very tired and in my third class today I was actually glad it was Friday and I don’t have any more classes until Monday. However, I love my classes and am still improving every day. Concha is polishing me step by step. We seem to have settled into a work routine. Concha is also working with various themes which I need to put into every part of the dance. Some days we work with one theme, such as comps and accent, and then we add other concepts. I am learning where to make the impulso (impulse) in a step, figura (how to elongate and dramatize the figure in a pose), accent and how not to “eat it” like most foreigners do. I am still polishing my contratiempo (counter time). I am learning to stretch more, to raise my head just a little, to move my arm just slightly up, to arch my back even more, how to stretch and contract my leg in a walk, how to listen better to the music and fit the dance to it. This type of work is just what I have always wanted and I am in heaven. Concha is getting better and better at figuring out how I need to correct my style. I feel so cared for and loved. No teacher has ever shaped me this way before. People are commenting to her on my amazing progress. We work very well together.

Evening It’s pouring rain outside and I am cold and tired. I hope I am not getting sick. I feel sad and mad. Our bed mattress has been on the floor for two days because it sagged so badly in the middle of the bed that Freddie couldn’t sleep on it when he was sick. And, it is more comfortable now, and it doesn’t sag, but I hate it on the floor. It is so dirty and takes up all the room. I just want to lie down and it’s cold on the floor. I don’t know if I feel like dancing tonight. Last night I stayed up in the room while Freddie slept. I watched my class video and went to bed earlier than usual. But my legs felt so tired in my classes today. I don’t want to be sick for my party and my birthday. On the brighter side of things, there is lovely Middle Eastern Oud music drifting up from Haig practicing on the floor below me. Freddie said that when he was sick he would wake up and just listen to the beautiful music below. Later The rain outside loudly rushes past our balcony. The window is open so I can hear the music coming from below, all the way downstairs. I didn’t feel well so I stayed up here, but I belly danced in front of my mirror to Rayhana’s music. My body is still much stiffer than it used to be, but I am enjoying doing the old Middle Eastern moves. I’m sure it’s good for my body. Rubina came up after her dance to ask why I didn’t come down for Sevillanas. Alfonso had asked where I was. Rubina said, “You’re not sick. You’re dancing!” But I feel like resting and not being in a crowd, although Antonio Moya and his wife Maria are also performing tonight. But I just didn’t feel like seeing people. I am feeling very fragile for some reason. So I am going with it. The rain has drowned out all but the loudest music and then the rain subsides, as I write, and the music comes back. The Armenian music was easier to hear; I guess it carries better than guitar and voice. Rubina told me that I had reached a new stage of dance and that she was proud of me. The way I hold my self, she said, is very different now and of a professional level. Rubina is re-thinking her life right now and getting ready to make some major choices. The rain is back full force and the singing now crescendos through it, part of the orchestra.

Rain and Flamenco. We are making arrangements to stay here until December 11. I journeyed for the date and got that, so that it is. We knew we wanted to leave in December, but I was thinking early until the journey. Perhaps the 11th is a scary number to fly on. Maybe the plane will be emptier. I am trying to think of what I need to order from home or buy here to stay the extra month plus. I like the idea but I can’t believe we’re actually doing it. The rain answers my thoughts with the reality of its sound, now heavy again and then heavier. I hear the rain from both sides of the room, from both wonderful windows. We have never spent winter in this room. Last year we left on Halloween, October 31. So we have spent early fall, but not late fall here in Sevilla. This will become another first. Will it be too cold and rainy? Will it be just what we wanted? I will miss eating outside. I will be happy taking my dance classes. The music is over. The crowd is loud below, a roar of voices.

Each night has its own character.

Freddie went down to see Carlos. Carlos’ seventeen year old daughter, his oldest, is getting married on Friday. We are invited. This will be my first wedding in Spain. We are slowly learning the culture by living here longer each time we visit. And with each visit our Spanish improves. I commonly skim the newspaper this time. I have no trouble reading the Spanish now. I still have trouble understanding some people, but not like when we arrived in ‘99. Now I can hear singing clearly from below. It sounds like Juan Carripe. There are a lot of performers tonight: Rubina dancing with her group, the Moyas (Antonio and his wife singer Maria Pea), Pola singing with Antonio Moya’s guitar, the Armenians, Vand Juan Carripe too. He sings an old, esoteric style of Flamenco. I think of him as an anthology of old Flamenco. I don’t know if Bruno, the Italian guitarist who arrived last week and is now staying here, is playing or not. Rubina likes to sing to his guitar. . It wasn’t Juan Carripe down there, it was Alfonso. I just heard Rubina’s footwork. It was fast and clean and driving. It was very good. And now the Solea continues and I hear Alfonso’s voice clearly. Antonio’s timid guitar is almost drowned out. But Alfonso’s voice carries Rubina and she answers with a short spurt of foot work “tacanao” and then the singing continues. I went to the open window during her escobilla (long footwork section with complicated rhythm patterns). I am not really away from the music, I am just unseen. I enjoy it tonight. The applause is loud and I notice that the rain has stopped again. I hear her dancing again and now I am sorry that I am not down there, as I listen at the window. She ends and there is more applause. She has done well. I think about what a good dancer she is as I listen to her from here. I am proud of her. She is also a singer and I want her to follow through with the singing school she applied to and was accepted in. She always smiles and lights up when she sings. Her obvious enjoyment radiates from her. Now I dance the Sevillanas in my mirror. They are playing them too fast but it sounds from the audience like people are dancing. At that speed, I’m glad I’m not down there.

The anthrax thing is still on my mind. I have not taken enough time to grieve the horrible things that have happened in the world. I think that is affecting my mood today. It’s not just business as usual. The world has had some tragic events and there is a real threat of a major war and possibly the end of the world as we know it. And the US, our home, is being attacked by terrorists and germ warfare, so far. It is very scary and very sad.

October 23, 2001

At 8:30 this evening the most beautiful flowers arrived from my son Elun and his wife Donna. They are white lilies or something, with flecks of red in the middle and a beautiful smell. Interspersed are deep red roses. Yellow daisy like flowers are scattered throughout. The bouquet is huge. Alicia, who works downstairs both morning and night, put them in a glass pitcher for me. Rubina helped me carry them upstairs. They are exquisite. I am moved that they both remembered my 57th birthday so beautifully. I loved getting Elun’s e-mail Happy Birthday message on my phone too. And I received a beautiful card from them today as well. I also got a message from Rosanne (my cousin) and Charles (her husband and our long time friend) today —they left a happy birthday song on our phone. I just missed the call —we heard it ringing —it was in my camera bag and we had just come up from class, and we got to the phone just too late. So we listened to the message. A song sung by Rosanne and Charles. I also received Happy Birthday e-mails from my father and his wife Peggy, and my sister Lainey and and her husband Ken, and some friends. Rayhana and Christine and Rubina made a garlic spaghetti dinner which we ate around six in the inside patio of La Carboneria, by the stage. Most of the people who live here were there. Concha and Rubina ate after class was over at 6:30. It has been a nice birthday in spite of the world news. We met some Americans from Palm Springs at breakfast who told us a little more about what it is like in America right now. They said that Las Vegas is closing down and people are out of work, that people still do not go out much on the streets at night and there are sales in all the stores and that gas prices are dropping because people don’t go out.

Here the dollar is slowly rising again. It is up to 185 today. It had gone down to 179 after September 11. It’s been slowly going up all week. I measure a lot by the exchange rate. It affects everything we buy —our food, dance classes, any purchases. I didn’t expect such dramatic things as the unemployment, for example, that would affect the economy, from the slow increase in the exchange rate here. I guess the exchange rate perhaps measures a view of the US in the eyes of Europe rather than what is actually happening at the moment. The US might appear more stable than it is.

Anyway, we are glad we are staying here in Sevilla longer. I just received a toll free number to call AA advantage and I will call them myself now and change the tickets. It looks like we can return home on December 10 (Monday). Anyway, we may go to Granada tomorrow so I want to stop and get some sleep.

October 24, 2001

Rayhana, the belly dancer who is here with the “Armenians” and is Souren’s girlfriend, is of Sicilian decent, but when she dances she could pass for Middle Eastern. Her wavy long black hair frames her pretty round face and her dark brown eyes lined with exotic and dramatic makeup. Her large lips open wide to a beautiful and warm smile. I am always surprised when a strong New York accent comes out of her mouth! Each night she enchants her audience with her dance, her rhinestone bindies sparkling from her face. They love her and she loves them. She is also an artist with make up and has been making up my face now before I dance. She does a much better job than I do now. Rayhana has also lent me parts of her costumes to dance in. She is a fun and giving person. Late at night, after the Armenian’s performance, we watch our videoed shows upstairs on my computer, plugging the cameras in and delighting in our use of this technology. We both love to use this tool to criticize and then correct our dance and of course improve. We correct our arms, our upper bodies, our heads. We see what we like as well. We also trade steps and critiques within the Belly Dance and Flamenco forms. I will miss her when she returns to New York at the end of this month. I write by hand today, on the bus to Granada. The “Armenians” have two shows there tomorrow and are on this bus too. So are Ryan and Christine. La Carboneria will be almost empty. Pola is home in his village for four days so Paco will only have Manolo for company today and tomorrow. After that the Armenians return but Christine, Ryan, Freddie and I will probably stay until Sunday. I did not want to go to Granada yet, but Freddie did and Concha encouraged me to go. So I did my Shamanic journey to get help making a decision about whether to stay in Sevilla by myself and take my dance classes or to go with Freddie to Granada and miss Wednesday, Thursday and Friday classes. The thing that pushed me to go is that my body is exhausted and needs a rest from dancing. Too tired to dance much yesterday, I worked on palmas for two and a half hours in my class with Concha, only doing my Solea once at the end. But I did it well. My palmas are now much stronger after two days of intensive work on them. My right foot has been aching for a week since I started to break in my new shoes, so I know that I do need this rest. And my thighs still struggle with the stairs and complain when I try to dance. So yes, I do need this rest. And the fact that we now plan to stay here until December 10 takes some of the pressure off me.

Last Saturday we celebrated my 57th birthday. It was wonderful. Concha presented me with a delicious and spectacular cake. On the frosting, transferred into the cake itself, was a photo of me dancing my Siguiriya at the performance I gave at La Carboneria in 1999, just before we returned home to California after four a half months in Sevilla. That Siguiriya performance was the sum of what I had learned in Spain that first year. What a surprise to have that on my birthday cake. Concha had had it made from a photo she had of that performance. (She keeps our wedding photo in her bedroom. We saw it there when we spent the “night” at her house after an all night show/fiesta and they gave us their room to sleep in.) Yesterday, on my real birthday, Ryan and Christine presented me with wonderful black and white photos taken at the party. I will try to get them scanned and uploaded to the web site at some point. There are some beautiful ones of Concha and me together. There is one nice one of Freddie playing guitar and me sitting next to him smiling. There is another good one of Freddie playing and Concha sitting next to him singing.

October 25, 2001, Thursday in Granada

Granada, beautiful city of the moors. Tonight we went to Teatro de Isabela La Catlica to see our Armenians perform here. The first of the groups was a Flamenco group. It sounded like a bad Paco de Lucia imitation and was very jazzy. Next was Uzman’s Arab group, which was excellent, and then the “Armenians”. Afterwards we all went to a small and funky Jazz and Flamenco club. It could have been a jazz club from the 50’s or 60’s in North Beach, Los Angeles, or New York. After finding it, down stairs, after going on a dark narrow dirt path next to a construction site, it is smoky and crowded. There is a bar and rest rooms and arm to arm people. Up about a one stair level are chairs and a same level stage and more people. This is the second time we have come here. Tonight there was jazz, smoke, and noise. We were hoping that the Middle Eastern musicians would get a chance to “jam” but that never happened. We were tired so went home to our hostel at the corner of the road that leads to the Alhambra. Later we found out that nothing had happened so we didn’t miss anything. Wednesday morning, the day after my birthday, as I wrote before, we boarded the three o’clock bus to Granada with Christine and Ryan and the Armenians: Haig the Oud player, Souren the Clarinet player, Rayhana the dancer, Mal the drummer and Mal’s friend Josh. “Los Armenios” will return to Sevilla tomorrow and we will probably stay in Granada until Sunday with Christine and Ryan. We went to the always beautiful, breathtaking and incredible Alhambra today with Christine and Ryan.

Our Spanish friend from Granada, Cristina Carmona, who is a guide there, took us all on her English language tour at noon. (In 1999 she gave us a private tour). She also does German, French, Italian and Spanish tours. While we were there we got a chance to briefly see her father, Angel, who is also a guide there. In 1999, when we came here last, Angel Sr. took us to the beach in the picturesque pueblo of Almuecar, where he grew up. (See the 1999 Chronicles). Cristina and her brother, Angel Jr. lived in San Francisco for several years. Freddie met them there when he lived in North Beach. They became good friends and Freddie brought them to Sweet’s Mill dance and music camp where I met them. In 1999 Angel Jr. was still in San Francisco, singing Flamenco at the Barcelona club, when we were in Spain. He has since come home to work in the recently started family travel agency.

Since we have been here in Granada we have spent time wandering through the Albaycin, the white walled Arab/Moorish section of Granada. Granada, at least the part we have seen, has a very strong Moorish influence. In addition to the Alhambra, the perfect Moorish piece of art, the narrow streeted Albaycin is like the Moroccan Medina. In the commercial section, near Plaza Nueva where we are staying at the Hostel Britz, the stores sell dunbek Arabic drums, leather Moroccan slippers, sparkling jeweled boxes, and many other Moroccan style things in addition to the Spanish tourist items. Many of the restaurants serve Arabic food, advertising their swharma specials in their windows. The food was delicious and a welcome break from the “normal” Spanish food we have been eating. There are also Moroccan style tea houses beckoning from between the inviting stores and restaurants. It is one these tea houses that Uzman, the oud playing host of the Armenians, owns and operates.

October 28, 2001

Recently, we realized that we could stay longer in Spain than we had originally planned. First we changed Freddie’s tooth implant appointment. With our most important commitment for November rescheduled, we were free to change our airline reservations. So, while we were in Granada, I called and changed our return from November 5 to December 10. We wanted to stay longer and so we gave ourselves permission to change our plans. I am doing so well in my dance that I do not want to stop. We did just go to Granada for four days, and that was a nice rest. But I do not want to stop for more than four days at this point of rapid and incredible improvement in my dance. Maybe I feel too old to stop. I feel that this is my last chance to be the dancer I can be and it is happening. How much longer can I continue like this? I am 57 years old and I know that bodies don’t last. I am loving what I am doing and how I am doing it, so we are taking this extra month. If my son Elun and his wife weren’t coming to California for the Christmas/Hanukah holidays, I might consider staying even longer. But Freddie’s mother and my father are the other draws home. They are both 82 years old. We don’t want to be away from either of them for too long. I think I also spend less money in Spain than we do at home because we aren’t doing projects and improvements! Anyway, does this explain our decision somewhat? We are having a great time. We both love Spain and love being here. And home sounds very depressing right now. And we certainly can’t help things by being at home. But we do love our family too and we do look forward to seeing them.

October 31, 2001 - Wednesday

The Armenians just left. Monday night we stayed up almost all night with them because they had to leave from here at 5:30 AM. Freddie and Bruno played guitar and Rubina and Pola sang. Ryan and Christine managed to stay up the entire time with them. Then all but Haig left. Yeserday, Haig bought some 25 year old Amantillado Sherry from the barrel of a good bodega and we drank and ate old manchego cheese, bread, and olives until he left to catch his 1:00 AM overnight bus to Madrid. Haig really loves fine Spanish sherry and knows all about it. He will be back in Spain and Granada on December 1 with Omar Faruk’s Middle Eastern group. We might try to make it back to Granada to see him. Fall is definitely here. This morning the neighbor’s laundry is blowing and flapping in the wind — white sheets, towals and a red and white checked table cloth pinned with pink and green clothespins against the blue and white sky. The school children across the street scream and laugh in a universal language. It must be recess.

October 31, 2001

Halloween is no big deal here although a few of the kids wear masks. But November 1, the day of the dead, is a day of fiesta here and everything closes but the restaurants. Spain is full of fiesta days and I like the relaxed feel it gives to life. Fiesta and siesta both slow life down. Every day, as I have written in other years, the stores close and the restaurants open between 1:30 or 2:00 until about 5 or 5:30 in the afternoon when many restaurants close again until dinner (around 8:00-ish) and the stores reopen until 7:30 or 8:30 at night. Now that daylight savings time has ended, it is dark before the stores close, but the people still walk all through Sevilla shopping and talking. We are starting fall/winter in Spain. There are roasted chestnuts for sale from little carts in the streets. People wear sweaters and boots and carry umbrellas. I don’t see that many raincoats. People ask us if we will be here for Christmas, but we tell them that we want to spend Christmas at home with our families. Maybe next year we will stay. It is tempting. Although, sometimes we remember the feeling we had when we returned home last year and the year before. We remember coming back to this beautiful luxurious palace that is our home in Soquel and just marveling at it. If we have to be away from Spain, then our home is the place to do it in!

November 4, 2001 On the ferry from Algeciras to Tangiers. We speak Spanish with Moroccan women, Freddie, Rubina and I. They are very friendly and you would never guess the tensions of the world right now. I have a feeling that it would be fine to visit Tangiers, but we are leaning toward caution and safety, and so will turn around and return to Spain immediately after we reach Morocco. We will now have the stamp on our passports that we left Spain before the three month limit. We can re-enter Spain again and be legal.

It is rainy outside and foggy but the boat is hot and humid. The sea is a choppy blue green in the middle of nothing but white rain.

November 5, 2001 Monday

November 6, 2001

The night we got back from Morocco, Sunday, we were all exhausted. Rubina didn’t know if she had to work that night and I figured that she would be too tired. It had been an exhausting trip. Freddie and I were upstairs relaxing and practicing and suddenly Rubina appeared in her costume. She said, Concha is downstairs with her family and wants to see you dance Sevillanas. So I went down our stairs to the bathroom and washed my face and combed my hair, came back upstairs and changed my clothes and went down to the stage and danced Sevillanas in both shows. Concha had been worried about us. She had called us the day before, on Saturday, when Freddie and I were in Granada for the day and asked us to call her from Morocco. Our phone wouldn’t work from Morocco but when the ferry was back in to the Spanish phone range I called her to tell her that we were safe. She still was worried, so Rafael suggested that they go to La Carboneria to see us. And they did. They came with Frackie, the widow of Concha’s brother. It was the first time I had seen Frackie actually laugh. That was nice.

Freddie and I had visited Granada again last Friday night and Saturday before continuing on to Algeciras Saturday night so we could leave on an early ferry to Morocco the next day. We had stayed at our friend Angel-the-father’s luxurious office apartment because Granada hostels and hotels had no vacancy because of the Fiesta weekend. We had come to Granada to see an old house that was for sale in the Albaycin. Angel went with us to see it. The realtor, Angel’s daughter Cristina’s husband Carlos’ uncle Pablo, was an old friend of Angel’s. This three story house had many views of the Alhambra. The views were beautiful but the house didn’t say, “Buy me” to us. But it was fun looking.

This week I am reviewing and polishing the Siguiriya that I learned in 1999. I watched it on the television in Paco’s room on the tape we made for Paco of the show we did at our home with Concha in June when she first came to California. We watched the whole show with Paco and Ryan and Christine. My Siguiriyas was better than I thought it would be. But, I know that my footwork now is much stronger, as are my palmas. My upper body is now better too. But I liked what I did. After we had watched the whole show, Paco let me watch my Siguiriyas again and practice to it in his room as much as I wanted. That helped me remember the choreography. Then Paco suggested that we borrow the TV and VCR, but not because he was sick of my practicing, but because he likes to support practicing. He has another TV that he watches the news on and says he doesn’t use this one much. I didn’t want to bother him and so I said no, but today we have it in our room. Paco spends a lot of time in bed these days, resting his legs and recovering from the bad cold he had. He watches the news on his other television and listens to the news on his tiny little radio with ear phones. His friends come to visit him, sitting in the chairs by his bed where he humbly holds court. When we come upstairs and he is there, we always stop in to see how he is and to chat with him. I realized that I haven’t written anything about how our Spanish is this year because that is not an issue any more. I can understand a lot, although not everything, especially if people talk quickly or have a different accent. But in general, we do very well. I remember when I could hardly understand anything Paco said. Now I can understand most of it. Freddie is also doing much better with his Spanish. We both love living in Spain. Sometimes we walk down the street and just marvel at our wonderful lives. We still hold hands and walk arm in arm, two little aging people, our gray hair shining, loving each other like wise teenagers. How thankful I am that we are still Flamenco Romntico, loving each other and doing together what we love best, Flamenco. As I write tonight, Freddie is practicing his guitar on the couch. It is a sound that I never tire of. I love his music. I feel so good when I hear him play. It is comforting. And he is very proud of my dancing.

November 7, 2001 Wednesday

My dancing is going very well. It has been raining but today is sunny. Someone gave Paco a canary the other day and it is finally chirping. Its cage is hanging by our stairs and the poor little yellow bird appears lonely and sad. In Spain, apparently people give pets as gifts and of course that leads to a lot of animal neglect and abuse. We are hoping that Rubina can take it and at least care for it. The rumor is that Paco doesn’t even like birds. This bird has a very special presence, although I am not sure how I know that. Christine and Becca are checking to make sure the bird has food and water. It was out of food last night but Rubina brought some over today and I assume gave it to the bird. None of us knows much about caring for a bird and so far the bird hasn’t been covered at night. Freddie and Christine moved it to a larger bird cage that had been stored in a corner for some now unknown reason, and Freddie and Christine both made perches for it. The bird especially seems to like the one Freddie created with a wooden spoon. Christine’s perch is a swing. I say hi and talk to the bird every time I pass it. But I feel its sadness too.

Last night, up in our room Ryan and Freddie played beautiful guitar duets. Then Rubina sang, accompanied by both Freddie and Ryan, and Christine and I did palmas. Becca, who is now living downstairs on Paco’s level in a room with Marta who is back here again, was there too, enjoying it all. Last night during the Sevillanas segment of Rubina’s show they had me dance two sets of Sevillanas instead of just one. I had missed the first show because Freddie and I went out to eat late. Alfonso, Rubina’s singer, had said, when he saw me, “Where were you?” It was nice to feel missed. Then, when he saw me sitting there beside the stage like I always do when they are going to call me up, he asked me to do palmas with them during the show, which I did. I usually do palmas when Rubina dances, because she asks me to and I know her dance. Before, I hadn’t done palmas for anyone else because they had not asked. So I did palmas for the whole show this time. My palmas are getting much stronger thanks to my work with Concha. When it comes time in the show to do the Sevillanas, Alfonso always introduces me beautifully before he calls me up. There has been a new male dancer working with Rubina in the past two weeks and so I did a set of Sevillanas with him and then Alfonso called me back unexpectedly to do another set with Rubina. Of course it was fun to do double. I always love to dance as well as to perform. I am going to do a show dancing the Solea that I have been working so hard on, here at La Carboneria, in early December, but we haven’t finalized the date yet. Of course Freddie will play and either Concha or Pola will sing. Perhaps Curro will play guitar with Freddie. We had wanted Ryan to play with Freddie too but he and Christine will be in San Francisco, having had Thanksgiving there with relatives by then. We will miss the “kids”. Tonight we had dinner with Luisito, (Luis Pea) a gentle and polite twenty five year old Gypsy singer, dancer, palmero. He is an ardent admirerer of the old Gypsy style of dance and music typified by Juan del Gastor who gives guitar classes at La Carboneria, his uncle the great Diego del Gastor and other family (including Agustine Rios who lives in California), Miguel Funi, and the famous sister singers Bernarda and Fernanda de Utrera. Miguel Funi is Luisito’s idol and he has often been the palmero (does palmas for) for him and other great artists. He said that he has learned a lot from watching these artists while doing palmas in their shows. He now dances and sings, as well as continuing to do palmas, at private fiestas, the ones that the rich Flamenco aficionados put on, a very important function in the Flamenco Gypsy culture. Luisito, like Concha, has studied dance with the late Pepe Rios, the older brother of singer/guitarist Agustin Rios, who has been a good friend of Freddie’s in California and whom Freddie played guitar with for many years. Freddie thinks Agustin in the best Flamenco in the United States. Agustin’s brother, Pepe Rios, whose impeccable comps is still famous, has sure turned out some wonderful dancers. The style Luisito is committed to carrying on, this very traditional style, was the style of Flamenco I was first introduced to almost thirty years ago. It is a style that Freddie and I both love. Luisito wishes he had been lucky enough to meet Anzonini, the wonderful and legendary Gypsy singer/dancer butcher from Puerta de Santa Maria, whom Freddie and I both knew when he was living in Berkeley, California in the late seventies and early 80’s. Anzonini was part of the Diego, Bernarda, Fernanda crowd that Luisito worships. Anzonini died in the early eighties, but he is still known for his wonderful warm heart as well as for his very Gypsy, subtle way of dancing and singing and playing with the comps. He would also rap out rhythms, with his knuckles and fingers, on a round wooden tray he called his “tabla”. In Berkeley, Anzonini made and sold delicious fatty Spanish chorizo sausage and he would often serve it to us with bread and wine when we came to take class or to visit him in the old brown shingled Berkeley house where he lived with Pat and taught Flamenco and made sausage. Freddie and I were both very fortunate to have known him. That is one advantage of our age! We have known historic figures. Luisito is certainly the next generation. I am glad that someone his age loves the “old stuff” and will carry it on. It will not be lost because of people like him. Luisito has watched part of several of my classes with Concha and loves my Solea. Tonight, as the three of us sat at a table by the window eating in El Corbobes, a face passed us and looked in through the glass. Luisito signaled for him to come in. It was Jaero (Hy-ro), the thin, long haired dancer son of Carmen who cleans here at La Carboneria and sings the Tangos. We had seen him dance in one of the best clubs in Sevilla, Los Gallos, in 1999 when we went with Carmen, his mother. He had just started then. He still dances there when he is not touring and was on his way there tonight. He must be about 18 by now. Jaero, Luisito told us after he had left, is one of the two best young dancers in Sevilla and in all of Spain right now. The other, he said, is Farruquito, the grandson of the late great dancer Farruco. Farruco descendants, the large Farruco family, have a very important dance academy here in Sevilla. I think there are two generations teaching and dancing in it right now. They have a reputation for teaching a lot of fancy and strong foot technique and have a large following. My dance —this week I have been working on the Siguiriya and Concha has changed parts of the Martinete I start it with (it is danced without guitar) and also parts of the first letra (verse). I tried to rebel, but especially when I study the video, I do like what she has changed better than the original. I hadn’t wanted to learn anything new because I am still working on the Solea, but I seem to be handling these changes in my Siguiriya. Concha says she will not change the second letra. There are small changes at the end which are really corrections. We have been cleaning up the footwork and we both expect to be at a stopping place by Friday. The footwork is sounding much stronger and cleaner and more accented and exciting. The following week we will go back to the Solea and then in the next week we will polish my old Alegras. After that it will probably be all Solea, unless we squeeze in a little more Buleras. I have a nice Romance Buleras that I am still working on at the end of my Solea. I am still liking what I see in my videos. And I am feeling aware of the time limit of only one more month here this trip. I want to use my month well and not wish I had done things I didn’t get around to. I am very thankful for this extra month.

November 8, 2001

In the Post Office you take a number when you enter and then you wait until your number flashes. There are a few places to sit and you can also fill out your forms while you wait. I guess it is no worse than waiting in a long line in the US, and perhaps it is better. At least there are places to sit while you wait here. You just have to remember to take your number right away when you get there.

November 8, 2001 Night time

I don’t know if I mentioned that Paco got an electric clothes dryer. They are still rare in Spain, at least in Sevilla. Here people always hang their laundry out to dry. I have come to enjoy that. But I have two terraces on which to do that. Those on the lower level hang their laundry on lines in that main room and Paco has become concerned about the dampness being bad for us all. He is worried that the humidity will make us more susceptible to the flu. So now people use the new dryer. I have used it on occasion too, when I needed something dried faster than it would dry outside, for example, when it was raining! It is interesting to see the changes Paco makes here. Concha and I are almost done with our week of working on remembering, revising and polishing my Siguiriyas. It is looking and feeling better and even in my off days, like today, I don’t look bad in the video. We have set a date for our show, our “actuacion” here at La Carboneria. It will be on Sunday December 2 at 10 PM. I wanted to have the whole week before to work on it again, after the week I will work on the Alegras. And I didn’t want it to be too close to the time when we are packing to leave. Concha didn’t want it to be on a Friday or Saturday because there would be too many people making way too much noise. So it is Sunday December 2 at 10 PM at La Carboneria. Our time here is winding down and this month will be a month of finishing for now, of getting ready to leave. That means visiting places we have wanted to visit (or deciding not to), finishing projects and intentions here, finding boxes to mail things home in and planning a loose packing schedule. Giving our show is a part of our preparing to leave. Living and enjoying every minute is also a part of our preparing to leave. Taking into our memories the sounds, the smells, the people, the taste of the food, the designs in the streets, on the many tiles and in all the iron work, all this taking into our senses is also our preparation to leave. Sevilla is a city of beauty in many ways. I pass the Giralda on the way to Calle Sierpes and marvel at the beauty of that majestic, intricate and historic cathedral. I look at the complicated mosaic of colored tile that is commonly put even on the bottom underneath the many balconies that line each floor of the tall houses in Sevilla. As you walk between them you look up and see beautiful tile. And if you are lucky enough to pass an open door, you may see flowers and green plants in a colorful tiled patio with scrolled and curvy wrought iron gates and sunlight making patterns in the breathtaking beauty of the art of another age.

November 9, 2001

We finished our work on my Siguiriya today. It looks great on the tape but of course it could always use more work. But for now I have remembered and polished it. Monday we start back on Solea. It is very cold here and I sit writing in our room, my legs covered with a blanket, my sweatshirt on over two layers of shirts and my nose is cold. We have an infra red light bulb for heat, but it doesn’t seem to do much good. The yellow bird sleeps curled in a ball. We cover his cage to shield him from the cold and the night time light of our room. Does he need that? We are going to see Jaero dance at Los Gallos on Tuesday with Carmen and hopefully Concha and Rubina too. It will be fun.

November 12, 2001 Monday

November 14, 2001

It has stopped raining here but it is ice cold, especially in our room.

November 21, 2001

It has been hard for me to write lately. It has been extremely cold here, a cold wave that they say is not normal. The day Freddie couldn’t get out of bed all day because of the cold, I finally went out, with Paco’s permission, and bought a small halogen heater. It takes the chill off the room. Last Tuesday we did go to see Jairo dance. Unfortunately, his mother, Carmen, couldn’t make it. Rubina couldn’t go either, but Concha, Ryan and Christine went with Freddie and me to see Jairo dance at Los Gallos in the Barrio Santa Cruz. Los Gallos (the roosters) is one of the top Flamenco clubs in Sevilla. These clubs have a reputation of being too touristy and not always having good Flamenco, but this show was excellent and Jairo was the best in the show. How nice. The other dancers were all good too. And the guitarists and singers were all superb. The first dancer did a dramatic arm and fist movement throughout her dance. The next day Concha put it into my Solea in two places. It works. I have also added more hand movements to my dance after seeing how nice they looked in the show. My own style is starting to come back into my dance and Concha encourages that. She says that I will dance in my own way. She will make sure that I dance in comps, with good accents and strong, definite terminations. And she will encourage my own style, my own form of expression.

We are gearing up for the performance on December. 2. I have started to work with my costume and am having fun playing with the full ruffled red skirt of what I used to call my Alegras dress. Salao, the best and most famous costume maker in Sevilla, made it for me in 1999. This year I have taken it back to him to be shortened, as I am thinner than when it was made. I have invited him to my performance again. He was there in 1999 when I performed my Siguiriyas here at La Carboneria. We have added Concha’s husband Rafael to the list of performers. He will sing the Solea for me, and El Pola (the male singer who lives here at La Carboneria) will sing the Buleras. Curro (Concha and Rafael’s fourteen year old son) and Freddie will be playing guitar for me. Rafael, a very tall, big and handsome man, grows a full beard every winter and shaves it off in the spring. This is the first time I have seen him with his beard. It is white and reminds me of Santa Claus, but more dignified. When Rafael sings he sings to me and I am moved. There is a good connection and I am glad that he will be singing for me in the show.

Tomorrow we go to a small pueblo in Jaen, which is between Cordoba and Granada. Concha is giving a show for a Gypsy association there and is bringing Rafael, Curro, Pola, Rubina, Freddie and me as part of her package. It should be fun. We will spend the night there and return on Friday. We have rented a seven passenger van.

Christine and Ryan left yesterday and we already miss them. Ryan had been playing for my classes with Concha and he and Freddie played very well together. It was fun. We all used to go to dinner almost every evening and then hang out together afterwards and on weekends, often doing a lot of Flamenco in our room or on the last two Sundays at Rubina’s. I really miss them. They are both wonderful people. We plan to see them in California before they return here in January for another ten months. Since they have left, I find myself looking for them on the street and in the little restaurant on Calle Levies where Christine used to sit during the days and write.

November 23, 2001, Friday

We all spent the night there in Alcaudete in a small family hotel/restaurant. On the way back today we visited Cordoba for a while and finally got to see the famous Mesquita, the beautiful old Moorish Mosque that the Christians turned into a Cathedral. Then we continued on another hour plus to the Sevilla train station to return our rented van which the Gypsy association had supplied. After all this, Concha had to teach two classes this afternoon at 5:30 and 6:30.

Today it is not raining and it is sunny and not so awfully cold. There has been an unusual cold wave here in Spain, as I have written, and we have been freezing. But we are surviving! We were thankful too. And it does seem warmer today.

Tonight, as it has since the cold began, a fire burns in the tiny fireplace in the small white washed room at the entry of La Carboneria. The wood stove in the patio room is filled and lit too, and the warmth is comforting and wintry. Alexi’s beautiful red haired mother and her bushy black haired boyfriend/husband were sitting there in that room when I came in. The mother, whose name I have forgotten, was speaking English to some Norwegian tourists. I hadn’t realized that she spoke English. It sounded good to me, although she said that she doesn’t know much. She is actually French, not Italian, but she lives in Italy when she is not living in Spain. She will put up her painting exposition at La Carboneria on December 1. To me she looks like a beautiful and colorful painting. Today she was wearing a long brightly colored skirt with layers of colors in her layers of clothes. I can’t remember what was green and turquoise and what was purple or blue, but the compositions were wonderful She wore sensible lace up black hiking shoes and her short red hair shone like a sun around her head. She is probably about my age (or younger), and definitely an artist of my generation. Her Italian partner is a luthier. I still haven’t talked to them much, because they just came recently, but I have a feeling that I will like them a lot. They both feel very familiar already in their style. I am looking forward to seeing more of her paintings. It is interesting that I chose Alexi to describe earlier in the 2001 Chronicles, before I had ever met his mother. Now I would like to get to know his mother too. She feels interesting. When Freddie and I were eating an early dinner at El Corbobes tonight, Julien the shoe shiner friend of ours came in as he often does (his photo is in the 1999 Chronicles on our web site). He looked at the heels of my new black boots and almost immediately began to put metal taps on the their heels and then he fixed the heels of Freddie’s almost new brown lace up shoes with the decorative holes on top. The heels of both our shoes had already begun to wear down and the taps should protect them, he said. Julien then proceeded to condition and shine my boots again and they feel better then ever. I guess we just do a lot more walking here than in the States. I love that, even if it does wear out our shoes faster. For some reason Freddie and Julien were comparing their drivers licenses and an older man who was standing at the bar was shown Freddie’s. This man then mentioned that he had a son who does Flamenco in California. When I asked him his son’s name he pulled out his son’s card. His son is Jesus Montoya, a wonderful Spanish Flamenco singer who lives in southern California and recently married Ana Galindo’s daughter Kelly. He once visited my former Watsonville home for a Fiesta that happened after a Flamenco show in the area. How small the world is. Another person who frequents El Cordobes is Anna. She wears a gold necklace with her name on it, spelled with two “N’s instead of one “N” Spanish style. I don’t yet know her story but I like her. She eats alone and reads. She has black hair pulled back in a bun, wears dramatic eye make up, and is probably in her 50’s or 60’s. She likes the flower I always wear in my hair and she says I always look happy. She smiles hello. She looks to us like a dancer and walks with a cane. Her legs are very thin. Someday I will ask her her story.

Since we have been in Spain this trip, Antonio’s (the young owner of El Corbobes) blond, short haired wife Mercedes has started to work at the restaurant, at El Cordobes. In 1999 and 2000 we used to see her come in (to visit) with her two young children, a big handful, the youngest in a stroller, the other running around everywhere. Especially last year, she came in more and more often to visit, since Antonio spends almost all his waking hours at the restaurant. This year the children are old enough for her to leave them to join Antonio at the restaurant. The children seem to spend a lot of time with their two grandmothers who bring them in to the restaurant often and casually, for short amounts of time. And Mercedes has integrated her self quickly into the all male wait staff. I don’t know if she worked there before the children were born. She certainly seems comfortable there. There is one female cook too, but I don’t know her relationship, if any. It is nice to see husband and wife working side by side, sharing the same life, especially as it takes up so much time. People work so hard at restaurants here in Spain. The people who own Casa Diego also work hard, and one of the women there is always acting like the world is on her shoulders and she doesn’t want to be there, but this is her life. Her back is curved in a beginning hunch, although her short hair is dyed (which I see as an attempt to take care of herself and fight the depression that her posture implies). She is neither fat nor thin, and has well shaped legs beneath her knee length straight skirts. She carries the weight of the world on her shoulders and back.

The staff at El Cordobes seems happier with their lot. They joke and play around, practice and ask questions about their English, and laugh. They talk and joke with the customers and take pride in knowing what you will order, what you always order. They love Freddie and have even started to correct his Spanish. I also wonder about the wives of the waiters and their children waiting at home, how lonely it must be for them. The husbands work with a lot of camaraderie and have a lot of people interaction. Perhaps here in Spain the wives may have enough community with friends, mothers, mother-in-laws, and sisters that they don’t feel the isolation that would be expected and happens often in the US. Spain seems to be a country of interaction between people; people remember you and your name here in a way you would never dream of in the US. Freddie and I both love this. Families are often together, walking or eating. People talk to each other and joke with each other. There is a sense of community. And of course at la Carboneria that is intensified. One day we were talking with Ryan and Christine to Rubina about why we liked living at La Carboneria. Ryan describes it, saying, “We live in a Flamenco Bar!” But really, we live just above the bar, separated from the smoke by a flimsy wooden trap door. One of the reasons I like it is because of the sense of community and meeting many interesting people whom I otherwise either wouldn’t even get to meet, or certainly not get to know very well, including Paco. I love being in the hub and living with interesting people and not having to spend all my time downstairs in the noisy and smoky bar to do it. I love being able to hear the music from our room and then to descend when I want to hear that music up close or to see the dancer. And we are lucky to have this upstairs private room. I like the community of artists living here too. We already live in community with artists at home and so this feels again like a continuation of my life in that respect. I even have a dance studio in both locations! The pluses here at La Carboneria far outweigh the inconveniences for me.

I hear a Garrotin being sung downstairs. Is it Juan Corripe? Alfonso, who sings for Rubina, is gone working at a Pea in Sevilla until next week some time so Rubina isn’t dancing here right now. Paco said that last night, when we were in Alcaudete, that there wasn’t any Flamenco happening. He wanted to make sure that Pola was back so he could sing tonight. And he did sing tonight. But it wasn’t Pola whom I just heard. And Freddie just now confirmed that it was Juan Corripe singing. Freddie just came back upstairs, after a short food gathering foray, with ice cream for both of us and a fatty Spanish chorizo that you cook on a skewer over a flame in an ashtray for him. These good smelling chorizos are a specialty of Miriam (one of Paco’s dark haired daughters) who runs the small tapas bar down stairs. Freddie loves these chorizos. They have too much fat for me! Did I write that we bought Paco’s yellow canary a great big and wide cage the Sunday before last at the weekly bird/animal market that materializes in Plaza Alfalfa. Now the canary flies from end to end chirping and enjoying the sunlight from our two windows. His cage sits on a wooden table next to one of the windows. We cover him every night and uncover him every morning. We check to make sure that he has water in his new water container and food in the clear plastic food receptacles attached to the cage. Rebecca looked after him when we were gone last night. The canary has no permanent name. He chirps to Freddie’s guitar, and he chirps in the morning, especially after he is uncovered. We both like him a lot, but I am not sure why. Chirp chirp. He sounds happy.

The crowded outdoor bird/animal market happens every Sunday in the Plaza Alfalfa and it is filled with birds and sprinkled with cute little puppies and this time with many tiny baby chipmunks. Pola bought two for his nephew and as soon as he returned to La Carboneria one escaped and is still loose on Paco’s level. Pola ended up letting the other one out in the Patio, hoping it would attract the one in the house. I don’t think it did. People keep hearing it scurrying around. Paco has left food (such as old bread) and water out for it.

Pola looks (but doesn’t act) much older than his twenty seven years. His body is soft but not fat. His brown hair line is receding. His ruddy face could be any age. When he opens his wide mouth in a grimace to sing, one eye closes, scrunched up. The little Gypsy boys in the audience at Alcaudete laughed and twittered at him when he started to sing, until Concha shushed them. Concha thinks very highly of Pola and is very pleased that he sings the little known Romance Buleras from Lebrija. As I have said before, it is good that there are young people to carry on the old traditional Flamenco. El Pola is one of these young people who will preserve the old Flamenco.

November 30, 2001

I have jumped up another level in the dance, as of yesterday. I am working with Concha on putting the emotion and expression back in my dance and now it is coming more alive!!! I am sooo excited.

November 30, 2001

I didn’t write at all about our trip to Lebrija. I think it was in October. It was after my birthday party, probably the next week end. It was after Concha’s brother had died and I think before the Mass the month after. I can’t believe that I forgot to write about it. Anyway, we took photos of Calle (street) Concha Vargas, we saw the house where Pedro Bacan was born and the church that all the Gypsies from there get married in We saw the house that Concha’s family had lived in too and the balcony where her mother often stood to watch the passersbys on the street. It is near the church. We also spent some time at Fracki’s house. Fracki’s name is really Fraski, short for Francisca, but when Concha says her name in her Andalucian accent, it sounds like Fracki. There is a very slight difference between the way Concha says Fracki and the way I say it, but she told me the other day that it wasn’t “Fracki”, it was Fraski, but I still can’t hear the “s” when she says it normally.

Fracki has brown hair, a little shorter than shoulder length. To me, with her light skin, she looks like a payo, a non Gypsy, but Concha told me that Fracki is all Gypsy. Fracki is beginning to smile more but she is still very quiet. I did not know her before the death of her husband, so perhaps she was always quiet. She dresses in pants and sensible flat heeled shoes and a sweatshirt.

Concha has worked my dance up to a new level, with the expression of emotion. Today we had our last classes before the show. Concha also made a few more changes in my dance and now I have to remember them for the show. At least I have a better dance step vocabulary now and can easily do the new step she showed me. It is one of the contra steps that I have been working on with her recently. It is one that is fairly easy for me to do right! I don’t want to disappoint her. The other change is in the end. Now all my musicians get up when I do the last step and they follow me. It looked great on the video. I have two singers, two guitarists and Concha doing palmas for me. What a great backup. What a great support. And Concha told me to remember that they are all there for me. How could I go wrong with that? Concha tells me that she makes mistakes when she performs so I shouldn’t worry if I make a mistake. But I want to dance my best!

December 2, 2001

Today is the day of our show, la actuacion. I have been nervous and fighting getting sick. I have been depressed too. Is that nerves? Is it because we are leaving Spain soon? I don’t know. I hope I do well in the show. The bird chirps more and more in this crisp, cool and sunny morning as it flies from on end of its cage to the other. His/her yellow colors are becoming more strong too. I have talked to Paco about moving it down to his room before we leave. It seems like such a sweet, happy bird. Yesterday I felt sick and depressed so I spent the day at the computer uploading my photographs from the digital camera. I didn’t dance. I thought it would rest my legs, but this morning I could still feel it in my leaden thighs when I came up the stairs from the bathroom to our room. Carlos will video the show, but he did not come to a rehearsal so I hope it really happens. Rebecca will take photos with my digital camera and Sergio will takes more photos with his camera.

The neighbor’s laundry is moving gently today, not flapping, so there must not be too much wind. Someone is practicing guitar downstairs. We will go to breakfast when Freddie is done with his shower.

December 5, 2001

We took the little bird down to Paco’s today and already I miss its presence. I don’t know what it is about that little bird, but Freddie and I both feel very attached to it.

We changed our plane reservations today. We are coming home Saturday instead of Monday. If we came home Monday, we would have a five hour wait in Madrid because Thursday and Saturday are holidays here and people travel on a holiday weekend. So the Sevilla/Madrid flights leaving after 7:30 AM were all booked both Sunday and Monday. So, in order to avoid an almost five hour wait in Madrid, we will leave Saturday at 10:10 instead of 7:30 AM. I had been dreading that long layover in Madrid. It feels good, even though we are leaving two days earlier than planned. Tomorrow, because of the holiday, everything is closed and we had to take our boxes to mail home to the post office today, which luckily we were able to do. I had wanted to do it three weeks ago, but it took all this time for us to get it together. Things and us too move slowly in Spain. I will miss Sevilla. Freddie is ready to go, but I am ambivalent. The cold here bothers Freddie more than it bothers me. And too, my dancing is still changing, although I canceled yesterday and today’s classes so I could focus on packing. Because the boxes are sent, I will be taking classes tomorrow, my reward to myself. I just realized that I did not mention the show! It was wonderful and Concha is very proud of me. I danced very well and the place was full and everyone loved it. Rafael and Pola both sang beautifully for me and Freddie and Curro both played well and of course Concha was her powerful and supportive self. The end, where all the musicians get up and follow me worked well, although it was hardly rehearsed and then did not work perfectly. But in the performance is was perfect.

Carlos did video the show and in spite of my insistence, did some arty things and missed some of my dancing. But the video did turn out well anyway, although I didn’t get to see how my getting up from my chair looked, a part of the dance that I worked very hard on the last few days. Hopefully I did it as planned. There were other parts of my dance that didn’t get videoed because Carlos zoomed in on the singers and guitars. But at least I did get a video. I am happy about that. And you can see my expressions very well on the video.

Saturday Rafael and Mariano had spent most of the day fixing the stage and I didn’t get a chance to try it. They leveled it and made the two sides flush. Before, one side had a severe slant and the middle was coming apart; it was separated by about an inch. I had to be careful not to fall and not to get my heel stuck in the crack. Concha wanted that stage fixed before my show and so did I. However, when I went down to run through my dance on Sunday afternoon (the day of my show), the stage seemed varnished and was way too slippery to dance on! I panicked. Freddie spent a lot of time sanding the stage when the Coca Cola trick didn’t work well enough. (Coke makes the floor sticky and is a dancer’s quick fix to a slippery stage). After Freddie worked on it, the stage was finally fine and I was relieved. Then when Concha came that night she Coca Cola-ed the stage again about an hour before the show, but it didn’t have a chance to fully dry so it was still a bit slippery when I danced. I was very aware of the slippery parts during the performance, but I wonder if my trying to avoid the slippery parts contributed to the feeling of tranquillity and centeredness that pleased Concha so much. I had to center myself to keep from slipping! Concha was also pleased at my clean and clear and strong footwork and my perfect comps, even in the contra steps that we had worked so hard on. I am so glad. When I showed the video the next morning to the two Carmens who clean and to Mariano and Lina (one of Paco’s daughters who works at La Carboneria), Carmen who sings also commented on my clean footwork and perfect comps. Lina cried when she heard me on the tape giving thanks to Paco after the show. It was fun to show those wonderful people who had seen me struggling so hard in 1999 and 2000, my progress and accomplishment this year. They took pride in that too. They have seen my work, the long hours of practicing and yes, struggling. I’m sure they have seen my tears and tantrums too, as I cried in frustration so many times over these years while they were working their daily jobs at La Carboneria. What a wonderful family here in Spain. Now they see me as an artist. As Concha says, Viva California. I am so lucky to have this opportunity.

December 7, 2001 Thursday

The people at El Cordobes have invited us to a farewell dinner at their restaurant. They are going to cook something special. We have been packing for two days and took three boxes to the post office to send home yesterday. We couldn’t do it today because today and Saturday are days of fiesta and almost nothing is open. I was afraid to leave it to Friday, in case anything went wrong. We would have no time to fix it. But everything went right. Rafael went with us and carried the two heavy boxes. The third box held the paper farrolias that Freddie wants to string up festively around Paradiso, our house in California. We are ready for that luxury now, having been battling the cold here and lack of good heating. I still remember that feeling last year of walking into our house like walking into a beautiful and luxurious palace. I remember, almost as in a dream, the soft oriental rugs under my bare feet, the hot tub calling to my aching muscles, the warmth of the wood stove and the ease of turning on the propane gas heater. I remember a place of beauty, with arches of roses and wisteria climbing high, bougainvillea and geraniums, lilies and lavender, rosemary, peppermint, and so many more flowers and herbs. And then we get to see trees and sunsets, to hear the owls and watch for the eagles and hawks, to glimpse the family of deer who try to eat our roses. We used to sit on “Mama’s Bench” by “Mama’s Tree” and watch the hills and look down the canyon and take in the ocean off in the distance. What a paradise we will be returning too. We are ready. But still we know that we will miss the people here and their friendliness, the sense of community. We will also miss the walking and the beautiful buildings and not having to cook. And of course I will miss Concha and my dance lessons the most. But at least she plans to come out in June and then to stay for two months. So I will rest my body and prepare for her visit. Paco took us with Concha and Rafael to see another house to buy today, right near La Carboneria, but it is too small and run down. After that we all went to coffee at Carmela. May and Nacha came by, two friends we haven’t seen much of this trip. It was nice to visit with them. Manolo and a friend joined us. I love this social and easy atmosphere. I love meeting my friends on the street or in a restaurant and having coffee or food with them. It seems like almost everyone eats out quite a bit here in Spain. After that Concha, Rafael, Paco, Freddie and I went back to La Carboneria and I had a class with Concha. Freddie played for it and Rafael sang. I am learning a third Alegra! I had wanted just to polish my first one, but Concha says it is not professional enough for me now, that before I couldn’t do what I can do now. This was Monday that we had that discussion. Then she said if I wanted she would do that, that it would be easier for her. But after I saw the tape Monday night of what she was creating for me, I loved it. And it looked a lot better than it felt. But I had to skip class yesterday in order to do last minute shopping and to pack and today I only took an hour. I can’t take one tomorrow. I have packed my Flamenco shoes! We just have to organize the suitcases we are filling. We have sorted through and organized our three months of living here, as well as of collecting things, including Spanish Christmas gifts for our families in the States. It is a long job to pack ourselves up. We both tend to spread out and use our space in our day to day living and we have filled this room with ourselves. But our packing is calm and up to date. We are not pushing ourselves but we are working steadily with some distractions. It will get done by tomorrow night.

Freddie is practicing as I write. Tomorrow is out last day and we will pack up and perhaps buy a few Flamenco posters we have been eyeing. My nose is cold from the cold that creeps in easily through our wonderful windows.

Friday, December 21, 2001, Winter Solstice

Aftermath

Freddie has made a tremendous breakthrough since we have been home. He can now play many of Carlos difficult but hauntingly beautiful falsetas cleanly and clearly and in comps. Suddenly his fingers work. He has shortened his nails again. His is playing with definite accents which bring the music to life. I believe that the comps with its heavy accents is a ritual for bringing excitement and fire to the music. It is a ritual that has been passed on by the Spanish Gypsies for generations and it works. Freddies music sounds great.

Since we have returned (just two weeks ago), we have been in the studio almost every day practicing. Freddie gets me to go in and practice and not take time off. I am glad, because I am working on many things in my personal style. At first I was afraid that I would get worse without Concha, that I would lose what I had gained in Spain. But as Freddie and I play music and dance together, I find that there are many many things I can clean up and make better and more precise. There are things I just need to practice over and over again, and this takes times like this, at home with just the two of us. It is a process of taking in and deepening what I have learned. I think I have gotten better instead of worse. It is fun to dance to Freddies music again. I sometimes warm up with different footwork patterns, the ones I have the most trouble with in the Solea. I practice them, with strong accents, over and over again to Freddies new falsetas, being moved by his music, trying to express it in my steps. I try to stay clean and to change the depth of the sound, loud and soft but always accented, always clean and crisp. We are still working on my counter rhythms too. We hooked the metronome up to the CD player for a loud sound that we could hear over my footwork and palmas. The studio is becoming nicer and nicer and the room has a wonderful energy. Whenever I walk into it I see the faces of old Spanish Gypsies looking at me from their frames on the wall. There are faces that I know now, like Concha Vargas and Miguel Funi and Teo Morca, who also watch me from the walls. Of course even the romantic photos of Freddie and myself together welcome me to dance. I feel so lucky to be in this habit of practicing a minimum of two hours every day.

We keep to our schedule in spite of the pull of coming back after three months away. There is much to do. We are correcting the various business details that went wrong or werent handled when we were away; we are still unpacking as well as preparing for Christmas. But even with all this, we are making time to continue our practice. And there is a quiet joy in being just the two of us again, for a change. We enjoy each other so much. Of course we also enjoy our company too when they are here and we both look forward to hosting Concha and family this summer. And right now, it is our time of hibernation. Tonight is the longest night of the year, the winter solstice, and we celebrated it together with our music and dance. And I am so inspired dancing to Freddies beautiful music. He has emerged from his cocoon as a butterfly. He just needed to be home tending the roses and looking at the ocean and walking on our lush oriental carpets. Now his music is doing what he wants and I am so proud of him. And of course I always love listening to him practice and play. I am so lucky. I love him so much, my husband of a year and a half.

Sunday, December 23, 2001

My sacred dance studio is the heart of our property. It is located in the middle and the loft above it is the only two-story structure here. When I first moved here I journeyed to the spirit of the house and the land. I was told that they needed a lot of music and dance, something I was eager to honor. I did not realize then that I had chosen to put the studio in the middle, in the heart. But tonight, as we were practicing, it dawned on me, that yes, we are dancing and playing music in the heart of this land. How wonderful.

Tuesday, January 1, 2002

Happy New Year. May this one be better than last. I miss Spain, but Freddie and I are still practicing every day for at least two hours. New Years day we were in the studio for four hours. My footwork is getting better and cleaner. I have been working a lot on my upper body and making sure that I step exactly in comps. Today my contras were better too. I am trying to work on everything, but I really miss my dance classes. Freddie says that I am still improving and he is very excited about that.

Freddie has had some great breakthroughs and his playing is now much cleaner. I am helping him to put his Carlos falsetas in comps. It is harder and harder to dance to falsetas without accents and so Freddie is putting in good accents and the falsetas come alive. We are progressing, but still I miss Spain. Freddie is totally happy to be home.

Ryan and Christine are coming to visit us for four days on Sunday. Then they are returning to Spain this month. We look forward to seeing them. It is raining hard here today but we have a fire in the wood stove and the house is warm. It feels like we are wrapped in a cloud of mist and rain on top of the world.

We spent New Year’s Eve here by ourselves doing Flamenco. It was wonderful. We needed the quiet and solitude. Before that, we had a house full of people (Freddie’s family from LA) and we were exhausted. For Christmas we had my family (including Elun and Donna who flew out from New York) and Freddie’s mother and some friends. We had a nice time seeing people we love over the holidays. But, still I miss Spain.

I received an e-mail from Rubina that Conchas older brother just died from the same type of heart problems that killed her other brother this fall. That is a lot of death for one year, two brothers. Poor Concha. I wish I could be there to help.

And so our lives continue into the New Year of 2002.